Yet another sleepless
night... so I might just as well write down what's been occupying my mind... My
working week started with being confronted with someone who played my heart and,
so to speak, consequently hurt me. The scars he left on me have long ago faded
but still, I need to pull myself together to act along with his
let's-just-pretend-nothing-bad-ever-happened-and-I-still-care-for-you-oh-so-much
game (btw why the fuck do I feel like I have to?).
Then today, another someone who has hurt me not that long ago had a
colleague of mine buy him and his b*** of a girlfriend tickets cause he
couldn't bear it to face me and get them himself. Well, thank you very much for
once again showing me how much you actually hate me, feels great -_- For
everyone giving me (or rather my blog that is) a puzzled look right now, let me
put it in a nutshell: a former friend of mine had this highly moral hobby called
cheating. As I was friends with her bf too, I reached a point where I neither
could stand it nor wanted to be part of her web of lies any longer and so I
decided to fill him in. I can only imagine what she told him but despite it
all, he's still with her and decided to act as if I didn't exist any longer.
It's just like my friend reminded me recently: back in ancient times, it used to
be the messenger who was killed first. Guess we haven't developed that much
after all.
Putting your trust in
somebody is such a wonderful thing... an exhilarating feeling which in most cases
will stab your back as soon as a convenient moment presents itself. And in my often
immature way, I seem to refuse to learn from experience. I've been there, done
that... and I certainly will continue to do so because I know firsthand that
all the pain is eventually rewarded with those who deserve my trust, who even
put trust in me when I don't. If I had stopped looking, if I really had given
up myself, I would now not be able to call some of what I believe to be the
most amazing people in the world my family. I unconsciously knew that I was missing
something - someone - and so I kept searching.
Many don't understand how I can
be so very close to my dearest friends that I even consider them my family and
I'm honestly sick and tired of explaining myself (as if there really was an
explanation btw so stop asking already!). People call me dependent as if it was
a swearword... and unfortunately, I gave those voices power over how I felt
about it for way too long. However, this belongs to a steadily fading past.
Yes, I do depend on certain people. Yes, I do miss them like hell when I can't
see them frequently (and I mean frequently as in every fucking day^^). Yes, I
am that person who gets all cheesy with them telling them over and over again
how much I love them. And yes, I am that person who overuses hearts in chats.
That's who I am and I couldn't be any further
from changing anything about it. David Nicholls got it right when he wrote in
Starter For Ten that " 'independence' is the luxury of all those people who are
too confident, and busy, and popular, and attractive to be just plain old
'lonely' ".
No matter how challenging a
day you throw at me, no matter how many scars are being scratched - I know I'm
not alone in any of this and for that, I just love to trust and depend on others.
3.30am… time to get some
sleep I guess.
Until next time...
C
