"Suffering from something we're not sure of in a world there is no cure for"

As my former expectations are finally colliding with this weird concept called reality, I must admit that I'm still struggling to adjust to this new chapter of my life. I never wanted a job to become my life but rather a job that enables me to live the life I want - filled with friends, exciting journeys, new experiences and adventures. Yet I find myself in a job that - despite being quite fun most of the time - turns me into a person who hates Mondays and counts the days until the weekend only to totally waste that time too. I just cannot believe that already five months have gone by since I've moved to Hamburg. Any attempt to meet new people and engage in some activity aside from work were doomed to fail due to an almost constant lack of time. Plus my colleagues think of me as some weird creature from outer space and I almost expect them to actually check whether my skin is green and just covered with camouflage xD

For quite a few weeks, my private life - as limited as it already is - has been consumed by a single friend who was going through some rough times. Despite the fact that there's nothing more important to me than my close friends and thus their well-being, he quickly became way too attached, calling a couple times a day at any time of the day, demanding my attention whenever it suited him without realising that he was literally draining me. Once again I had to learn the hard way that there are very very few people in my life I can care for 24/7 without losing myself.

Me giving in to my parents begging me to come to visit doesn't really help to make me feel better either. To top it all off I was diagnosed with a currently untreatable level of an autoimmune disease that causes - among all kinds of fucked up stuff - mood swings. Yay^^

It was only at F's place some weeks ago that I found rest for the first time in weeks. After a movie night over at a friend's place I just watched him play LoL and fell asleep eventually. It just feels like home whenever I'm with him. Even though we have our rough times, it's still only him I feel fully at peace with. 

After being enabled to see a bit clearer again I started to turn things around again, tried not to work as much overtime, changed back to a healthier diet, didn't drink, exercised more and at least tried to get more sleep than usual. But in the end it was all a charade to cover up the loneliness that has taken over my heart during those past months. Eventually, I collapsed last Friday night when what was planed as a girls' night out ended with me drinking about three quarters of a bottle of scotch on my own and losing myself completely. I never blacked out before in my life.. and it seriously freaked me out. Let alone the gastric spasms and attacks of shivering that followed on the next day. 

It still freaks me out that this time, I didn't even care where my limit was but all I was in for was forgetting... forgetting about the fact that I had been on flu meds that don't go well with alcohol for days, forgetting all the shit that was going on, forgetting this disturbing feeling of absolute uselessness, forgetting my loneliness, forgetting the piteousness of my mere existence. I scared myself and I do not want to lose myself like this ever again. Change is what I need right now.. though I'm neither sure in what form nor where it's supposed to lead me. Right now, I even consider resuming a straight edge lifestyle... we'll see.

What bothers me most is that by losing myself like this, I didn't realise the true dimension of what my closest friend is currently going through... which is just about the most horrible thing for me to realise about myself. I feel like shit for having him taking care of me while I wasn't strong enough to be there for him the way he would have needed me.. :(

However, we'll get this all fixed just a we always do, I'm certain of it..
"let's take this one day at a time, I'll hold your hand if you hold mine" <3