The love I need to see me through

Since I'm doing such a marvellous job wearing myself down and such a poor one shutting my damn brain up anyway, I'll take the time to write a bit more tonight. There are two surely not entirely independent but still unrelated issues I need to get off my chest so I'll split my respective thoughts into two posts.

For already quite a while now I've been building my walls up at work. Sure, there are some pretty nice colleagues and at least one I actually might get along with well but in general, we're just nowhere near being on the same page with regard to almost any topic. So I keep to myself and do my best to ignore the amazingly high level of stupidity I'm facing every day. It has worked quite well for some time but who was I to think that I could actually draw a line and control where to shut my numbness on or off? It works surprisingly well when I'm with F, with everyone else not so much.

There's only a limited amount of disappointment, pain and loneliness I'm capable of enduring and at first, I actually felt relieved to shut it all off. I felt like I could be kinda happy despite everything. I was wrong. Now, all I'm left with is a fear I've never felt before. I'm scared of myself, of what I'm to do next, of fucking up on an even higher scale.

Although the last time I fucked up majorly affected F directly, he stuck by me unconditionally. He left no space whatsoever for doubts, even in my darkest hours I can't deny anymore that I can always count on him. And still, on various occasions now, the impression that I'm a burden and not an asset to his life settled in. I feel like I'm wearing him down and am (no longer) contributing to his happiness. I didn't tell him about it yet because I seem to have skipped the part where this was still just an idea and have gone straight to acknowledging it as the truth. I've even been toying with the idea of just not being in touch so that I can't burden him with my problems anymore, so that he's free of me... and at the same time I have no intention of hurting him and still want him to know that he can always reach out to me whenever he wants to and whenever he needs me. I now put all my trust in him, knowing that he will continue to stick with me, waiting for this to end, reminding me that being just ok is not good enough, being the best friend I could possibly ask for... He's such an incredible idiot for doing so though!