Seeing myself through your eyes

Hey there, 

Let me start by saying just how I amazed I am to see that people from all over the world are starting to read my blog - Canada, China, France, Germany, Hong Kong, Indonesia, Ireland, Mexico, Poland, Romania, Russia, Sweden, UK, US and Ukraine. Thank you all! 

Btw: Since I'm trying to get my facebook page started, I'd be happy if you stopped by and left me a like. :)

19 days ago, on 10 February, I made the hardest decision I have had to make in a long time. The difference in how J and I interacted before he moved back home and the weeks after as well as the difference in how we feel about each other was getting too much to bear. It depressed me on a level I could no longer ignore; pretending was taking too much a toll on me. So, I gathered up what was left of my strength and self-respect and told J that I needed time and space to be ok again. I chose myself, my own health and sanity over someone I deeply care for and even though I know deep down inside it was the right thing to do, I'm still struggling with it. 

It's never easy, but I've gotten somewhat used to the fact that I have to turn away from some people in order to protect myself. There's no space in my life for people that continuously harm me, make me feel bad about myself or how I chose to live my life. J, however, is an amazing person that made me laugh and live and enjoy myself at a time I wasn't expecting any of it to be possible. And now, I have to live with the fact that I'm hurting this amazing person. When we exchanged the last couple of messages, he tried so hard to hide how hurt he was, but I know him too well not to see it was all pretend. I know it's probably a twisted way of thinking, but I wish we could help each other through this time. Maybe, in some way, we already are since we said we want to share our lives again at some point, when I'm ok again. I hope he really does still want me in his life when that time comes. Until then, I have to take care of myself.

At the moment, I just feel stupid for ever thinking a person like him could like and care for me this way. For allowing myself to ignore all I believe to be true and chase what was nothing but an about-to-burst bubble. I am scared by how much I am convinced now that nobody could ever love me. My own thoughts scare me and I know it's not ok to feel this way about myself.

While I'm busy being either somewhat numb or feeling shitty, F keeps telling more frequently than ever that I'm awesome. Even when we're apart, he just knows which buttons to push and what to say. I wish I could see myself through his eyes, see what makes him believe in me so much.

However, all the shitty feelings, shitty times at work and somewhat self-made loneliness evanesce in the light of next weekend for I will meet F in Luton, UK for a brief getaway. We've already talked on Skype about the whole J situation and he did an outstanding job being my virtual shoulder to cry on, but actually being around him and having a fun-filled weekend with the one person capable of calming me and making me feel home wherever we are is just about what I need right now. I can't wait to catch up, talk all night, be silly together and probably have a few pints. However messy I feel right now, the anticipation is making me smile - an honest smile, no pretending needed.

Until next time, 

C