For the second time in the last couple of months, I allowed someone else's opinion to affect me negatively and to catalyse my ugliest thoughts breaking through. Both times, F was on the receiving end.
I met change with growing insecurity and was anxious that things which happened in the past were to occur again, that all F had achieved for himself was to evanesce. Instead of fighting those bullshit thoughts and focusing on making the best of the time I had with F, a common friend of ours sharing her concerns about the actually very positive change in his life triggered me to lose control.
When he's exhausted and tired, F tends to be painfully honest. Only when he was, I realised the full extent of his exhaustion caused by being confronted with everyone's expectations and disappointment in him for not taking as much time as they'd like when visiting his old hometown. I should have felt so much earlier, I should have known, I should have been there for him and supported him in a different way. Instead, I was self-centred, lost control and only added to his exhaustion. Again. All we talked about that night had its reason to be spoken about, albeit in a very different manner.
I'm deeply ashamed and feel like a terrible friend. More than that, I know it to be true.
I'm aware I shouldn't think of myself as the sum of my mistakes, but it's quite impossible not to at the moment. The only way I know how to face this, however, is increasing efforts to work on myself to the breaking point for it was too painful a reminder of how much I still have to do.
Let
me start by saying just how I amazed I am to see that people from all
over the world are starting to read my blog - Canada, China, France,
Germany, Hong Kong, Indonesia, Ireland, Mexico, Poland, Romania, Russia, Sweden, UK, US and
Ukraine. Thank you all!
Btw:
Since I'm trying to get my facebook page started, I'd be happy if you
stopped by and left me a like. :)
19
days ago, on 10 February, I made the hardest decision I have had to make in a
long time. The difference in how J and I interacted before he moved back home and
the weeks after as well as the difference in how we feel about each other was
getting too much to bear. It depressed me on a level I could no longer
ignore; pretending was taking too much a toll on me. So, I gathered up
what was left of my strength and self-respect and told J that I needed
time and space to be ok again. I chose myself, my own health and sanity
over someone I deeply care for and even though I know deep down inside
it was the right thing to do, I'm still struggling with it.
It's
never easy, but I've gotten somewhat used to the fact that I have to turn away from some people in order to protect myself. There's no space in
my life for people that continuously harm me, make me feel bad about
myself or how I chose to live my life. J, however, is an amazing person that made me laugh and live and
enjoy myself at a time I wasn't expecting any of it to be possible. And
now, I have to live with the fact that I'm hurting this amazing
person. When we exchanged the last couple of messages, he tried so hard
to hide how hurt he was, but I know him too well not to see it was all
pretend. I know it's probably a twisted way of thinking, but I wish we could help each other through this time. Maybe, in some way, we already are since we said we want to share
our lives again at some point, when I'm ok again. I hope he really
does still want me in his life when that time comes. Until then, I have
to take care of myself.
At
the moment, I just feel stupid for ever thinking a person like him
could like and care for me this way. For allowing myself to ignore all I believe to be true and chase what was nothing but an about-to-burst
bubble. I am scared by how much I am convinced now that nobody could ever
love me. My own thoughts scare me and I know it's not ok to feel this way about myself.
While I'm busy being either somewhat numb or feeling shitty, F keeps telling more frequently than ever that I'm
awesome. Even when we're apart, he just knows which buttons to push and what to say.
I wish I could see myself through his eyes, see what makes him believe
in me so much.
However, all the shitty feelings, shitty times at work and somewhat self-made loneliness evanesce in the light of next weekend for I will meet F in Luton, UK for a brief getaway. We've already talked on Skype about the whole J situation
and he did an outstanding job being my virtual shoulder to cry on, but actually
being around him and having a fun-filled weekend with the one person
capable of calming me and making me feel home wherever we are is just
about what I need right now. I can't wait to catch up, talk all night,
be silly together and probably have a few pints. However messy I feel
right now, the anticipation is making me smile - an honest smile, no
pretending needed.
So
little time did it take me to stray from my publishing schedule. I
could tell you it's because I've been down with a nasty flu for weeks,
have been freakishly busy at work or because my workload for Amnesty
International has risen exponentially and all of these were contributory
factors, but no more than that. Frankly, I've just tried to avoid facing everything that's been going on those past weeks. I was afraid of doing exactly what I have to do now: Shutting off the numbness and dealing with my honest emotions. It took me longer than it should have to be able to write about this without jeopardising the message of hope I want my words to transpire.
For a few weeks, I had a pretty busy social life. There was a bunch of people from my AI group who just started hanging out and doing stuff together. I was welcomed with open arms and seemingly no judgement, but still had a difficult time opening up. Being used and hurt so many times, I have a hard time really trusting people above a friendly chit-chat level. And there they were, treating me like I was a normal person, telling me they loved me without blinking an eye or making a big deal out of it and it honestly freaked me out. As honourable as their intentions might seem, I don't trust people who say they love someone that easily, who say those words without knowing shit about me. I'm afraid it takes a lot more for me to accept that statement than some drunken party nights. Still, I kept hanging out with them for two reasons: Distraction from F having moved and J.
J and I first met last summer but didn't really start spending time before autumn's colours took over. He made trusting someone seem easy again. We could talk for hours without getting bored: Everyone around us would be drinking, singing along to silly songs, taking unjustifiable amounts of selfies while we would always end up in some corner talking, sharing our hearts and drinks. He didn't seem to care one bit about my size, he would just ignore people around us starting to talk about us being a couple, he would always be the first one hugging me hello when I arrived at parties in my usually unfashionably late manner, he would always come rescue me from unwanted company and make me laugh so hard, I eventually stopped wearing any mascara when with him because it would only come off anyway. He would always leave when I did without considering his own schedule much, keeping me warm while waiting for the metro home. The one night he just looked me in the eyes, took both my hands and dragged me on the dance floor to teach me how to dance the boogie to "breakfast at tiffany's" was certainly one of the best nights of my life. It was also the night he told me he would always be there to protect me and although we both knew it was sort of a lie, I just chose to believe him. I chose to trust him, accept him as an irremovable part of my life.
All that seems like a dream now. 37 days ago, he moved back home - home being rather exactly 985km away. We promised to stay in touch, visit each other, but now we're barely talking. Most days, I'm just numb. Thinking about it just hurts too much and with him being gone, hanging out with the same group of people just seems too painful a reminder. He has certainly left an imprint on all of us but being asked about him all the time is driving me insane. I'm probably a terrible person for feeling this way, but however much I'm actually amazed at being welcomed without prejudice, much of it feels like methadone - "potent but not real, left you wanting more".
With neither F nor J around, I feel more lonely than ever and the difference in being around and away from J leaves me insecure as fuck. I'm pretty good at hiding it for now but inside, my emotions are a mess. The full extent of F having moved away hits me every now and then when the mask of numbness starts to crumble. The harsh honesty of the clock striking midnight on new year's eve was rarely as insufferable as roughly three weeks ago. But it's usually when I get to talk to F on Skype that I can't hide how miserable I am. Things are different now, of course. Him being the one who is capable of seeing right through me, forcing me to be honest with myself and him will, however, never change. I'm extremely thankful to him for being so patient with me once again as I waste too much of the time we get to talk to each other on being at my gloomy worst, my heightened insecurity resulting in hurtful comments and thus affecting him no less than me. I really wonder what I've ever done to deserve him.
I visited F for my 28th birthday in December and it was truly amazing. I'm rarely as free to be myself as I am with him, the intensity with which he inspires me and pushes me to be a better person is unrivalled. Just by being himself, he gives me incentives for living up to my potential, making necessary changes and searching for what I really want. The latter giving me quite a hard time..
For years now, my dreams and ideas just happened to become ours without giving it much thought, naturally so to speak. However, reality has kicked in and I am left re-anlysing what it is that I want from life, where I want to go and what I want to do irrespective of where F is going. I'm not talking about living separate lives here, far from it. I'm talking about making choices for just myself again and that has turned out to be more of a challenge than I anticipated. When I visited F in Scotland, I realised how much more at home I feel over there compared to here. As a citizen of the European Union, I'm luckily pretty free to move around, but it nonetheless remains a profound decision. F won't be staying in Scotland forever, he'll be moving around a little before getting settled and I always understood this was something he had to do by himself. So if I move away, it has to be some place I feel at home at irrespective of whether he is around or not. I don't like where I am right now, neither the place nor what it's been doing to me so it's a no-brainer that I need to try somewhere else. I guess I just need a little time finding out where I should go and luckily, as always, F is right next to me helping me to figure things out. For now, I'm keeping myself occupied with starting to organise more, getting a grip on my life and starting to get rid of stuff I don't need in order to facilitate moving. I am countering both, my gloominess and my fears, by focusing on what's good for me and what makes me feel good about myself. As F reminded me just the other day, as long as I'm happy with myself, everything else will fall into place. Counting the days till I can see him again does help, too. :)
"Our fears can play tricks on us making us afraid to change course, afraid to move on, but usually, hidden behind our fears, are second chances waiting to be seized. Second chances at life, at glory, at family, at love."
Today's World Suicide Prevention Day. Granted, it's not the easiest topic to talk about, but so very necessary and so I decided to postpone my new blog entry till tonight.
I've lost friends to suicide and, as you might know, there was a time when I, too, lost my will to live. I didn't know what to live for anymore, I thought I wasn't worth caring about, worth loving. Today, I'm so thankful that I didn't end things, that I had friends who took care of me when I had lost just about everything and didn't feel like I had a purpose. And I'm most thankful to the one friend who eventually taught me not to just keep going but to actually live and enjoy being alive.
Accepting someone else's unconditional love has undeniably transformed me. Doing so enabled me to believe in myself, to dream again, to not be ashamed of myself for who I am, to see the good in myself and it gave me the strength to work on things I hadn't imagined I would ever be strong enough to face. Knowing that there's someone I utterly trust who has my back no matter what gives me so much strength, and knowing that it's the same the other way around still has the power to have me in awe of our friendship.
It's been years since the thought of ending my own life has crossed my mind. I still have rough days, I still doubt myself and am down at times, but I know from the bottom of my heart that I couldn't possibly harm myself - neither physically nor by allowing my worst thoughts to get the better of me.
Even if I was to lose everything else, I now know one thing would remain: The one person who makes me feel at home as soon as I'm with him. Looking back, one of the things I was lacking the most before meeting F was somewhere to belong and looking for it got me into my fair share of trouble. However strange it might sound, I eventually found home not in a place but while spending time with him.
A few days ago I had to say goodbye to F at the airport for the second time within a few weeks. It might actually take me a very few more weekends without our usual coffee stroll to grasp the full extent of him living in another country now, but there's no doubt in me that we still have each other. Of course, I'm still not fearless facing this major change but I know that the trust we place in each other and the strength we give one another doesn't simply fade away just because we're physically separated. Instead, I want to live my life like I know he wants me to.
Overall, what I'm trying to say is that whatever you're going through, however bad things seem right now - don't give up! Keep going and you will eventually find what you're looking for. No matter how often you get hurt along the way, stay open enough to be surprised and if you come across someone who truly cares about you, give them a chance as you give yourself the chance to be transformed.
I truly believe we aren't meant to go through life alone and that it does get better. It really does.
And to shorten the wait until my next regular blog entry, here are 50 more or less random facts about me - enjoy! :D
1. You know how people sometimes talk and only after having said something realise it was inappropriate, weird or awkward or could be perceived as such? I do that. A lot. Basically, I'm Felicity Smoak from Arrow.. minus the looks and the IT knowledge.
2. I'm a bookworm.
3. I basically grew up reading the Harry Potter books, Harry always being approximately my age.
4. I wrote my first book at the age of 17. So far, I haven't finished another one, let alone published anything aside from this blog and some minor articles on human rights topics.
5. My early writing was heavily influenced by Tolkien.
6. My all-time favourite band is Rise Against. Meeting Tim McIlrath is on my bucket list (which I feel might turn into a blog entry in the not too distant future..). Shame there's only space to share one of their powerful videos here..
7. My eyes change colour when I cry: Usually they are fawn, after crying they are green for a little while.
8. I once sewed my own bridesmaid dress for a friend's wedding because I couldn't find anything I liked.
9. On another friend's wedding, I caught the bouquet. However, I'm still lacking the basic requirements to marry.. like someone to get married to. So much for that superstition.
10. My 18-year old trainee has been in more relationships than I.
11. I've got a total of four piercings and nine tattoos, one being a cover-up and at least three more in the planning (blog entry on my tattoos in the making btw).
12. I'm a volunteer with Amnesty International.
13. I'm half Dutch, half German, but don't identify with either.
14. I used to be a vegetarian, but had to switch back to eating fish, chicken and beef for medical reasons.
15. I used to study Biology and German linguistics before I decided to become a translator instead.
16. One of the main incentives for me to become a translator was being annoyed with mistranslated books and texts.
17. Between the ages of 16 and 23, I didn't drink any alcohol. Wild youth..
18. So far, I've kissed more girls than guys.
19. I'm extremely allergic to milk protein. Ingesting any dairy products whose production doesn't require changing the protein structure significantly causes me to keep throwing up for hours and, in severe cases, causes neurodermatitis. Fun times.
20. My favourite subject in school was chemistry.
21. I've got a half-sister who I've never met and whose name is being kept a secret from me.
22. I've recently found my first grey hair. I'm 27..
23. I'm afraid of snakes.
24. I keep my mobile in a penguin-shaped casing.
25. When at my place, I always fall asleep with my salt lamp lit.
26. I'm 1.82m (5.97ft).
27. I've got somewhat of a permanent celebrity crush on David Tennant.
28. I'm somewhat of a cleaning maniac - except for when it comes to doing the dishes.
29. I suck at wearing heels. I can walk in them just fine, but only for two hours max. Thus my preference for Vans and Converse.
30. I used to work in a cinema while studying. As a result, I don't like eating nachos anymore.
31. For some weird reason, I'm immune to hepatitis B.
32. I'm incapable of burping. At least the guys always say my attempts don't count as such.
33. For years, I used to refer to myself as an atheist, but learned to acknowledge that my basic believes are far from being those of an atheist. However, I don't see myself belonging to any specific religion either.
34. I've got a weakness for red hairs.
35. I name almost all my technical devices. My external hard disk, for example, goes by the name "little fucker".
36. I apologise way too much. Sometimes, I even apologise for apologising.
37. I'm a Whovian.
38. I used to be part of [Echelon].. like before 30 Seconds to Mars started to suck.
39. I don't eat pork.
40. Sometimes, I get this gut feeling if something's wrong with someone very important to me without having any logical explanation for why I know.
41. A few years back, I taught myself Japanese calligraphy.
42. I like painting and drawing but barely ever like how my work turns out.
43. I'm a series and anime junkie.
44. Drinking cola helps me with initial stages of migraines.
45. On most days, I don't wear any make-up, eye make-up at most.
46. My right knee is permanently damaged from an equestrian accident when I was a teen.
47. My dog died when I was away in Canada back in 2009 and I still miss him dearly.
48. My grandmother was born in 1919 and raised a Nazi which, retrospectively speaking, lead me to always questioning everything, especially authority of any sort, because I could never understand the passiveness she let things happen with.
49. I love dyeing my hair. In the last couple of years, they were blue, pink, purple, green, red and, of course, brown (my natural hair colour if I remember correctly).
50. I always take tons of pictures and collect seemingly worthless keepsakes when I travel somewhere or spend quality time with someone important to me because I believe that my memories are the most precious things I could possibly own.
It's been forever, I'm aware. I haven't blogged in over a year and although there were reasons for me taking that kind of break, they were mostly excuses. Writing this blog requires me to reflect on things, work on myself, admit to my failures and then, to make all that public. Something happened about a year ago that I could not bear to process that way, but instead of just postponing it to when I could, I found too many excuses for not blogging anything at all. I'm honestly sorry because as much as I let myself down, I let you down. I'm still hoping that reading about me finding my way in life helps others in similar situations to believe that for them, too, it is possible to find their very own way and that things, in fact, do get better eventually.
This hope is exactly what motivates me to revive my blog now and I hope you're ready to continue this journey with me. I don't want to give away too much just yet, but I've got big plans for this little project of mine: A stranger's insights will be on facebook from Monday on the latest, there will be monthly blogs, much more personal details about myself and eventually maybe even a Q&A. Yup, I'm pumped. :D
Frankly, I'm just tired of making excuses for not going through with plans right away and I'm determined to break this habit of postponing things. After all, we can't spend our lives waiting to live. I want to write, I want to travel, I want to learn, I want to socialise, I want to connect and I'm not going to postpone any of this any longer.
I haven't been in hibernation for the past months though, I've continued learning, growing, accepting and loving and can't wait to process it all into blog entries. For tonight, however, I would just like to focus on the most significant change to my life in a long time: F is moving away.
For the past three years or so, we've been living pretty exactly 100km apart - a distance which we managed to overcome almost every week, at least once a week. Back when I moved to Hamburg, Germany we had to switch from almost daily coffees after classes and occasional nights out to sticking to weekends and vacations. From next week on, however, there will be no less than the North Sea between us.
Yes, I'm afraid and yes, naturally, I'm a little sad. But here's the thing about a friendship like ours: When your friend gets to follow his dreams, happiness prevails. Also, just because we can't see each other on a weekly basis anymore, it doesn't mean that we don't have each other anymore. There are airplanes and buses and trains. There are phones and texts and whatsapp and facebook messages and skype calls. And most of all, we carry each other with us everyday.
My everyday life is highly affected by F, I'm always carrying him with me wherever I go: The voice inside my head reminding me to take care of myself, the guilt I feel if I don't and the comfort of knowing he's supporting me, truly wanting the best for me. Accepting to be loved has been the hardest challenge for me, but now that I irrevocably have, it's my responsibility to act accordingly and eliminate the negative in my life, focusing on all that makes me strive and flourish. I owe that to myself and F.
I am weird. I am a freak. I am obese. I am quite heavily tattooed and switch my hair colour frequently. I am who people make fun of. My parents despise me. I lost friends. I am bisexual. I am 26 years old and haven't been in any romantic relationship yet. And I AM OK!
BECAUSE.. I learned to like that I stick out. I've never been good at going with the masses anyway, so what? ..I learned to take a good look at those who make fun of me: Insecure people who didn't learn better than to make themselves feel more adequate by viewing others as inferior. I alone decide how their judgement makes me feel.. If you expect me to be insecure and hide because I am obese you clearly haven't had the pleasure of going out dancing all night long with me.. I love each and every single one of my tattoos and if you don't do, it's not my problem.. I learned that my family is not necessarily the one I was born into but those people who love me unconditionally and truly want what's best for me.. I am learning to let go.. I learned to accept that I'll live with a hole in my heart for the rest of my life.. I found it easier to be open about my sexual orientation rather than playing hide and seek.. I remind myself every single day that I am worth it to wait for the right person.
So yes, I am ok. If you've been following my blog for some time, you might have gotten an idea of the ups and downs I've been through and to say that I am ok, is a major step. The past year has been nothing but struggle. I suffer from a disease called hashimoto syndrome which gradually dissolves the thyroid. For women, the thyroid is responsible for managing the lion's share of hormones. Having one's thyroid dissolved affects people very differently but with my history of psychological struggels due to my parents' abuse, the whole Canada thing and what not, it affected my mood most of all. I had mood swings at least once a week, crying my eyes out over problems that weren't even there. Being the closest to me, F was affected most and almost exclusively by this. I couldn't see how much I mean to him anymore. At times, I forgot how much he cares for me, how much he loves me. I wasn't even able to see how much that hurt him. The darkest moment was when shortly after New Year's, for the second time in my life, I thought about killing myself because I felt too weak to bear the pain anymore. I cut myself to make it go away.. to make me feel enough not to jump. But I wasn't the one I hurt most with such actions. Shortly after, F broke down. We talked, we fought, we screamed at each other, we held each other. It was a brutal wake-up call that would also become the end of what had been an exhausting year for both of us.
Things got better, step by little tiny step. I continued seeing my therapist. I learned to distinguish better between reality and my hormones going berserk. My thyroid was finally dissolved to a point where it was treatable. So now I take my hormones twice a day and am myself again. I still do struggle at times, yes. But I am ok again. I fight. And I will continue fighting because that's just what it takes to go from ok to good and good is what I deserve. And if I ever shouldn't remember that then I surely remember that F is worth it. I am not willing to put him through something like this ever again.. For him, I fought through my darkest hours, always knowing him right beside me. He's what keeps me going when everything else fails. How could I ever doubt his love and friendship when he's shouldering such a burden just to see me smile again one day?
It's so easy to hurt those who truly care for us but it's a scrutiny to stay when you are the one who gets hurt. One of the many things I had to learn is how to cope with F's struggles. When he is struggling and hurting, he tends to shut the world, especially me, out. He avoids me. Fragile as I used to be, I first had to learn that it wasn't actually me he shut out but the truth that pained him too much. We both are utterly honest to both, each other and ourselves when we are together. And that surely is something you feel like running from at times. But it rather testifies for how much we mean to each other than suggesting the opposite. We are both rather intricate persons and it took some adjusting to learn not to take such behaviour personal. But being through what we have been through, I am confident we'll make it through anything. For the past couple of months, F grew cold, almost numb. And of course it does hurt. But I know better than to let the pain get me down. Instead, I grow on it and use it to be the strong one now. I keep pushing as much as I give him time when he needs either. And I refuse to be shut out. I refuse to let him go through this alone. I will be there to take his hate when I push too hard for him to bear and I will be the shoulder to lean and cry on when he opens up. I will be there patiently waiting for him to be himself again one day for I miss him and love him and believe in him.
"You'll
need coffee shops and sunsets and roadtrips.
Airplanes and passports
and new songs and old songs,
but people more than anything else.
You
will need other people and you will need to be that other person to
someone else,
a living, breathing screaming invitation to believe better
things."
I decided to let you in on all of this because I know I am not the only one out there struggling with self-doubt, thoughts of suicide and the feeling that nobody cares for you. I just want you to see that those are L-I-E-S. Believe someone who has been there, who might even understand a bit of where you're coming from. Everyone has the right to be loved for who they are. And when you don't feel like having someone in your life that cares like that for you, keep searching. When I met F, I was already 22 years old. It took us time to find each other and also that is ok because we wouldn't be the people we are today if we had chosen any other path. You, too, will be ok one day. It's not gonna be easy, I won't lie. But it's worth it - every second, every tear, every smile! Things do get better! And it all starts with believing in that.
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