Longing for the shore...

Fuuuuu... really wished I had more time to spend on writing these days..

Today, nonetheless, this is about those bloody moments none of us is proud of, moments we struggle, fall and are quite unable to get back on our feet by ourselves. Actually, I've been doing great lately - work is exhausting at times but my boss appreciates just about everything I do and I learned whom to trust and whom to avoid in the office. I get to spend more time with my bestie than I had expected and had a wonderful 25th birthday. And still - I barely slept for the past week, I've been crying myself to sleep just about every night and only managed to pull myself together shortly before I had to leave for work anyway.

First I blamed my pms but oh well, this gets a little old a week after I'm supposed to be perfectly fine again I guess. And then all I was left with was confusion. Starting to see a little clearer now though, I have to admit that those past months have quite literally drained me. Almost everything has changed and I had to revoke the high expectations I had about this new chapter of my life - reality is a bitter medicine. I'm neither a robot, nor what you'd call a normal girl... Above all, I have to learn to cope with the fact that I'll never be the strong one 24/7 and I'll keep reminding myself that there's no shame in having F helping me to figure things out...

Frankly, I often still struggle to show my weaknesses - I even had to force myself to tell F about me being a mess. Although I'm perfectly aware that I always can be myself with him, I refuse to give in, let myself be overwhelmed by what I truly feel.. probably because I want to assure him that I'm there for him, that I'm strong enough to lean on. What can I say.. I'm a work in progress. And pretty aware of how weird I'm acting when it comes to this.. which leads me into a further vicious circle of blaming myself for being that silly, arguing with myself about whether to contact him or not, whether I'm doing the right thing burdening him with my mind going blaaaaah and on and on it goes.

None of this, however, really matters in the end because whenever I'm not myself he's the one capable of putting the pieces back together as he prevents me from lying to myself and reminds me of who I truly am. And he couldn't be further from allowing me to put any blame on me for bringing this on him.. It's with him that I see the stars clearly. Even hearing his voice today on the phone made me calm down, brought a little sanity back into me. I know now, I'll be ok again. It's just... he's the only constant left in a life otherwise pretty dumpy...
Or to say it with Tim McIlrath's words I'm "...longing for the shore where I can lay my head down inside these arms of yours".
I love you, F.

Lift me up, let me go...

Hi there...

I just realised how awfully long it's been since I last took time to write... Those past seven weeks have been so amazingly eventful, it feels like months have gone by. For starters, I finished school taking a total of 25 final exams and left my parents' house for good moving a little south to one of my all time favourite cities Hamburg where I'll start in my new job on Monday. Feeling very much excited for this new chapter of my life to start, I become increasingly aware of how urgently I need to cut the last chains that are holding me back, namely not being affected by the way my parents treat me or the ones I love anymore

Retrospectively, I'm astonished and relieved at the same time that my parents haven't succeeded in their constant try to destroy me. The moment I developed my own thoughts, started to form my own mind, make my own decisions, gained my own experience and drew my own conclusions, a war broke loose back at my parents' place. My father, being incapable of standing up against me in an argument, had always had a temper and raised his hands, belt, wet towel or whatever came to hand against me about every time he was at a loss to impose his opinion on me. My mother, not being that much different from him, usually sent him 'to teach me a lesson' and blamed me later on for driving both of them so mad that they felt obliged to cane me. This continued until the day I had enough, fought back and thereby accidently hit my father in the balls. Thereafter, there was no more physical violence towards me. A tongue, however, has no bone but can hurt you more than being actually slapped. Monster was just one of many nicknames my mother used in order to show her affection for me. She put me in the middle of arguments with my dad more times than I can count, told him to leave just to make me stand in the middle of the driveway hoping that seeing his little fucked up daughter would make him stay nevertheless.

Only later on realised I that at on point I took a decision. Easily, I could have let them destroy me, I could have let them keep using me as their fucking punching bag but instead I decided to shut them out, build walls as high as I possibly could and step by step I learned not to give a damn about whatever they'd throw at me. Still, I didn't allow myself to talk about all that happened, I shut up and thought to myself that there was nothing I could possibly complain about because, after all, they provided for me and there are much worse parents out there. A former friend of mine was the first to expose this illusion and thereby helped me processing it all. There's no scale emotional pain can be measured on, there's no guideline describing how much a kid can actually endure and sadly, as close as parents are to us, they are capable of hurting us in unimaginable ways.

I do not blame them but neither do I forget. I do, however, know that my parents probably never meant any of this to go the way it did. I can’t imagine they used me for their fucked up psycho games on purpose. Now I know that it was never my fault, that I am not an error, no monster, not unlovable or any of what they said. They are human beings who never really reflected on themselves, who always looked for somebody else to blame for everything that's going wrong, who are matter of factly lonely and only have each other - driving each other nuts. I was thrown in the middle of all this and luckily, came out alive, yet broken. But what is broken can be fixed even if it takes years.

Nowadays, the problem with my parents, especially my mother, is that she believes she still knows me and is in a position to give advice on matters I never ever asked to be advised on - at least not by her. She never realised I shut her out of my life a long time ago. Of course, I shared a few things with her - the kind of information exchange that is hardly avoidable when you're living under the same roof that is. She also tends to judge everyone and everything in my life without actually first allowing her the chance to get a real impression. I don't mind anymore when she's bragging on about how messed up I am, how I always make the wrong choices and blah blah blah but when it comes to those I love, she’s still able to drive me nuts. Every time I believe to be secure, I believe there's nothing left they could possibly hurt me with, they almost magically find something and crush me anew. Yet, the pain usually faded away quickly as I used it to reinforce my walls but recently they both have taken one step too far ensuring that we'll never be on the same page again. After spending a weekend with my bestie and me at their place in Sweden, they apparently thought it was a smart thing to go all bitchy on him, calling him unspeakable names and blaming him for just about everything that is allegedly wrong with me. I'll spare you the ugly details. However hard I tried, their words eventually reached and hurt me badly. You cannot possibly talk shit about the best thing in my damn life and expect me to just sit there and take it. Taking it out on me I'm used to but this was my damn heart they were playing a match of Canadian ice hockey with. He's my cryptonite...

For me, family is a choice and not necessarily predetermined by blood. He's more family to me than they ever were and I'm most certainly not willing to have people who barely know me determining my life. The friendship we share is forever, the love unconditional and our lives connected till the end of our days. This is what family really means to me.

Of indescribable beauty

Hi hi :)

For almost a week now I've been trying to gather my thoughts just enough to put them into words and now, all of a sudden there's so much to think and write about... but let me start from the beginning (as the beginning is usually a pretty good point to start things off from^^).

Last weekend my bestie and I finally went on that long-expected short getaway to Munich and I've been trying real hard to find the appropiate words to describe it - and failed miserably every time. Then, my friend and I talked about it the other day and I realised that sometimes, there's no need to put something in words. It's just been such a long time that I experienced something so beautiful I couldn't possibly find the words to describe it that I almost forgot that there's such a thing... We both felt it was extraordinarily beautiful although we didn't do anything exactly out of the ordinary - we went to Bavaria by train, arrived late, slept, went to Ingolstadt the next morning (a small town where he used to live), then we went back to Munich, walked all the way to Bavaria's largest beer garden just to learn it closed about an hour before we got there and eventually ended up in a students' night club where we got wasted and danced until the early morning, fighted a little over getting up on time in the morning (he's such a diva when he's forced to get up xD) and went back home. Just being with him, spending time together, having fun, sharing our hearts - this is what puts me at peace like nothing else does. There are no words to describe what we both felt but it's a memory we both will carry with us for the rest of our lives.

Ingolstadt

And also such an urgently needed timeout... I'm not at my best at the moment. There's so much going on and everything's moving just a little too fast - my final exams for both the chamber of commerce and the university are coming up (about 25 all in all), I urgently need to find myself a new place somewhere near my future working place, yet another of my close friends got engaged and wants me to join her wedding ceremony in Canada and I feel like spending as much quality time with my dear friend as possible before he might leave the country to work in the UK or who knows where. I'm usually handling pressure pretty well but right now I feel almost as exhausted as I did right before my summer holidays had started... this last weekend was a blessing... and so was last night.

Inside of me there's still this little absolutely insecure girl I fail to suppress from time to time, especially when I get a visit from my oh-so-dear friend PMS -_- Generally speaking, I'd like to see myself as a rather rational person but there are times when I tend to compare although I know that it's not the way others are treated that make the way I'm treated more or less valuable. I then wonder why it's so damn complicated for him to tell me what I mean to him when it seems to be so much easier with others... thoughts I'm not proud of at all... but as I have mentioned before, I've learned not to always trust my own thoughts because there are so many irrational factors contributing to how we perceive things. 

Nonetheless, when he told me that he loved me for the first time (and about fifty times in a row) this morning and kept going on about how much I meant to him and how grateful he was to have me in his life, I couldn't help but to cry. Of course, he was hammered (to put it mildly) but I knew he meant it... It's such a silly thing that I actually needed to be told what I knew all along... because why would he stick with me through thick and thin otherwise? He's my angel, he's the one I was looking for all along...

"All because of you,
I believe in angels.
Not the kind with wings,
No, not the kind with halos,
The kind that bring you home,
When home becomes a strange place"

Rise Against - The Good Left Undone

until next time

xoxo

Who I am with you

Hey everyone,

While I kept my last entry comparatively short (at least I refrained from writing about all that I was thinking about) I now feel ready to talk about what I was holding back last time... As I've already mentioned, I've met someone special and I feel pretty great around him but there are also certain drawbacks and I spent a great deal of time brooding over whether to walk away or try harder. He literally had me at hello, we've already spent some memorable quality time together and I just can't stop thinking about him. But all I know is that if I decide to keep trying, it will require a lot of effort on my part and I just can't help wondering whether I'm strong enough. For once, I'd like someone who gives me the feeling that it's ok to be the weak one at times, someone who, in a way, is able to look after me but instead I've met yet another adorable nerd with bagage piled up as high as Mount Everest... He makes me smile as much as he makes me sigh. But is bagage, regardless of how heavy it might be, a real reason to not give it a shot or is it just an excuse to run from something that actually might have potential?

Needless to say that I was a little tiny bit confused xD It's those moments when I can't trust myself that I trust my closest friend's judgement. I don't have him actually deciding for me but when somebody knows you as well as he does know me, you're able to squeeze all those confusing thoughts into a rational structure and ask just the right questions. I still haven't decided how to proceed but for now, doubt might be enough reason to keep trying...

Apart from that I must say that I feel whole again as I was finally able to see my dear friend again. It was as if I was reconnected with a part of myself, as if the world was actually a pretty nice place to live on (what a weird thing to say!). I hadn't felt that free, that happy, that bubbly all summer long, and once again it was like first seeing the stars after a great storm... I came across something truly beautiful today and I believe it serves pretty well to emphasize what I'm trying to say: "I love you not only because of who you are but also because of who I am when I am with you."

<3

What a remarkable thought to leave you with :)

Until next time...

C

The actual worth of happiness

Hi there :)

for once in my life things are going pretty well - I survived the summer without any mayor breakdowns, just got myself a promising job starting only two weeks after I'll have finished my studies in autumn, my last day at work is finally within reach, booked a little getaway for my closest friend and me for next month, reunited with a friend I lost a while back and I've met someone that makes my head spin. You see, I have every damn reason to be happy. Yet, I'm not... at least not fully.

I seem to be incapable of being happy when those I love the most aren't. Of course, there's sort of a basic happiness I'm quite capable of achieving on my own (you should have seen me dancing around in public when I got the call saying I had the job :D) but knowing that my closest friend suffers from a vicious viral infection and that other people I feel close to are going through very difficult times, I just can't be happy for real. Call it empathy, call it dependency, call it whatever you want to - it's just the way I am.

So all I do for now is waiting for the day my best friend'll have recovered and I can finally see him again because right now it seems that happiness isn't worth much if I can't share it with him...

More updates coming soon

xoxo

Love to depend

Yet another sleepless night... so I might just as well write down what's been occupying my mind... My working week started with being confronted with someone who played my heart and, so to speak, consequently hurt me. The scars he left on me have long ago faded but still, I need to pull myself together to act along with his let's-just-pretend-nothing-bad-ever-happened-and-I-still-care-for-you-oh-so-much game (btw why the fuck do I feel like I have to?). 

Then today, another someone who has hurt me not that long ago had a colleague of mine buy him and his b*** of a girlfriend tickets cause he couldn't bear it to face me and get them himself. Well, thank you very much for once again showing me how much you actually hate me, feels great -_- For everyone giving me (or rather my blog that is) a puzzled look right now, let me put it in a nutshell: a former friend of mine had this highly moral hobby called cheating. As I was friends with her bf too, I reached a point where I neither could stand it nor wanted to be part of her web of lies any longer and so I decided to fill him in. I can only imagine what she told him but despite it all, he's still with her and decided to act as if I didn't exist any longer. It's just like my friend reminded me recently: back in ancient times, it used to be the messenger who was killed first. Guess we haven't developed that much after all.

Putting your trust in somebody is such a wonderful thing... an exhilarating feeling which in most cases will stab your back as soon as a convenient moment presents itself. And in my often immature way, I seem to refuse to learn from experience. I've been there, done that... and I certainly will continue to do so because I know firsthand that all the pain is eventually rewarded with those who deserve my trust, who even put trust in me when I don't. If I had stopped looking, if I really had given up myself, I would now not be able to call some of what I believe to be the most amazing people in the world my family. I unconsciously knew that I was missing something - someone - and so I kept searching. 

Many don't understand how I can be so very close to my dearest friends that I even consider them my family and I'm honestly sick and tired of explaining myself (as if there really was an explanation btw so stop asking already!). People call me dependent as if it was a swearword... and unfortunately, I gave those voices power over how I felt about it for way too long. However, this belongs to a steadily fading past. Yes, I do depend on certain people. Yes, I do miss them like hell when I can't see them frequently (and I mean frequently as in every fucking day^^). Yes, I am that person who gets all cheesy with them telling them over and over again how much I love them. And yes, I am that person who overuses hearts in chats. That's who I am and I couldn't be any further from changing anything about it. David Nicholls got it right when he wrote in Starter For Ten that " 'independence' is the luxury of all those people who are too confident, and busy, and popular, and attractive to be just plain old 'lonely' ". 

No matter how challenging a day you throw at me, no matter how many scars are being scratched - I know I'm not alone in any of this and for that, I just love to trust and depend on others.

3.30am… time to get some sleep I guess.

Until next time...

C

Learning to be on my own again...

Hi there,
It's been a while and I'm thrilled to finally have time to write again. Those past few weeks have been exhausting with about twenty exams to write and a whole lot of other daily struggles to face. Actually, I was supposed to stay with my parents in Sweden for a few days but being as drained as I was, I decided to take a few days off from everything in order to recharge my batteries. For the first time in what at least feels like ages I didn't do anything but sleeping, watching movies, going for walks, having comfort food and occasionally seeing friends. Although I still didn't make a full recovery I don't experience everything as heavy anymore.

To be perfectly honest, I have been afraid of the summer for quite a while now. Last summer was horrible, six weeks filled with self-doubt, even self-hatred at times, resulting in closing up and playing a role. I smiled my yeah-sure-I'm-fine-would-you-now-please-just-leave-me-alone smile and got away with it most of the time. So, even though I have achieved a lot since then, even though I'm definitely not the same girl anymore, I was afraid I would just hit the repeat button.

But I'm not. Still, I was about to fall back into old patterns when I went out with friends after finishing those damn exams. About half way through the evening I realised that this would mean saying goodbye to my closest friend for little more than two weeks and even though I know how good it will be for him to be home, how urgently he needs to recharge his own batteries, a part of me missed him already. On every day spent without him I miss something, I'm simply not complete. And it wasn't just about those two weeks but also about this autumn when we'll graduate and our ways a very likely to be separated job-wise. So, instead of just telling him what was on my mind I acted bitchy. I've always been that way - if something is about to happen that I know will hurt me, I just push everyone away and put on my Ms Untouchable mask. I used to go through with that till the end but not with him, I couldn't possibly do that to him, to us. The moment I realised what I was doing I felt so ashamed, so miserable. I apologised to him and fortunately, we were able to talk about it later on when he walked me to the central station. I'm nowhere near perfect, I'm a work in progress and just by being him he's making me pushing my boundaries and catching myself before I fall back entirely. He knows the ugliest parts of me and still he chooses to stay beside me every single time I fail to suppress any of them...

My short holiday is about to end, a working marathon about to start and so far I'm holding it up pretty well. Today, I drove out to a nearby lake and enjoyed how the wind messed up my hair while the fresh air cleared my mind. It's one of the few spots that enable me to just let go, straighten my thoughts and actually enjoy being on my own. Maybe this is even the most significant difference compared to last summer - I might have my bad days but generally speaking, I'm stronger than in a long time and I rather be on my own than with people who don't deserve me, make me play a role and fuck with my mind. I might piss people off but at least I'm myself and I'm not afraid of being on my own anymore. Plus there are 'only' 14 more days to go until I'm able to hug him again (not that I would count them^^).

Until next time...

It all starts with a little crack in the wall...

Hey there...

it's been a horrible day and I'm almost ashamed to admit that I feel like I'm about to crack... all the pressure, all the problems, all the fears I'm usually able to fight have found their way back into my consciousness tonight and make me feel miserable. Thank you very much, pms. But deep inside I do know being a woman with off the rockers hormones is not the only reason for my little breakdown...

I've visited a friend today I haven't seen in a while... he's always a 100% honest with me which can be a bit of both a blessing and a curse. Even if I begged him to, he would not stop making me face myself for a second. It's only been today that I was forced to realise how exhausted I truly am... and how little care I'm taking of myself at the moment.

I didn't decide on any consequences yet but I know I'll have to take some eventually.

xoxo

And they lived happily ever after...

Good morning :))

(no, it's not too late to wish you a good morning just after 2pm :D) You can blame my best friend's wedding for me getting up that late! Jupp, my best friend for what... almost 16 years got married yesterday and we partied accordingly. Being her bride's maid I couldn't help but wondering when the fuck we started to do such grown-up stuff! Seriously, she's the same age as I am and I can't even start to imagine to get married anytime soon. But besides reminding me how old I matter of factly got, her marriage demonstrates clearly that real love is possible.

The groom is the first bf she ever had. It was love at first sight and was meant to last forever from the very beginning. It makes me hope that somewhere out there is also this one person that is meant to be with me that way...

Although I tend to complain a little about how much he changed her, how she has turned more and more into an let's-stay-inside-and-watch-a-movie person and about what a hard time she gives me when I ask her for a girls' night out, I haven't seen her that happy and relaxed in a very long time and that's all that counts. When you love someone you can accept that he/she changes and still love that person.

Until next time

xoxo

me 1, soccer 0

how do you know a guy loves you for sure?

when he picks taking a walk with you over watching champion's league on TV  - especially when he can't expect sex in return :D

<3<3<3

The one that makes me laugh when I don't even want to smile

Hi there again :)

Since I was already surprised to get any feedback at all on my first blog entry, I was stroken with astonishment to receive positive comments from my friends. Someone told me it made her cry and she wished she had someone like the friend I was telling you about in her life... those words left me taken aback and thoughtful at the same time.

As I had indicated it's not always easy between the two us and as I have to admit, it still is a daily fight. When someone we love feels like hiding himself and refuses any contact because they need a break from a reality that is hurting too much, it's a fight to stay strong. I needed to tell myself over and over again that when it happened, it's never been his way of showing me that he doesn't want me in his life but his way of escaping what he couldn't cope with any longer. I know this now but let me tell you, it will always hurt beyond words to see him suffer like that and to feel so bloody helpless because there isn't really anything I can do besides showing him that there's no way I'll leave. I can't imagine to ever get used to it, especially since he's probably the only one who can put my own pieces back together when I'm down. Anyway, my friend's words only reminded me of how lucky I am to call him a part of my life because despite all the struggles, he's still the one that makes me laugh when I don't even want to smile.

Already brooding over the next topic…

Until next time

The ones worth suffering for...

Never thought it would be that complicated to decide on the topic for my very first post but still I have literally been brooding over possible topics for almost a week now! I just love love loooooove to write but since I knew this was not to be about novel writing but about reflecting on myself and sharing my thoughts with others, I might have avoided getting started for real. And maybe, I was just afraid to actually have nothing to write about... aren't we all afraid of being insignificant?

Being 24, I already had my fair share of rejection, letdowns and heartbreaks and it still isn't that easy to let my guards down and share my thoughts with just anybody. However, I'm so lucky to be able to say that I have people in my life that fought hard for their place in it and made me overcome my worst fears. Those people are my family and those who remind me of who I am and what I am capable of when I forget. They are the ones who remind me every day that NOBODY is insignificant!

I learned the hard way that those who tell you that they love you oh so much are not necessarily those who really got your back. It's only two years ago that I met my closest friend and we fought a lot to get where we are today. Friendship is neither a question of time nor of what you say to each other. Matter of factly, he never told me he loved me but I know he does because it shows in what he's doing for me and how he's treating me. He put me through a lot and even when there were times I cursed or hated him, I'm thankful for every minute of it because he made me grow into the woman that I am today. He never pushed me to change but he made me change just by showing me the world outside my damn shell. It's because of him that I let go, came out of my inner hiding place, faced my struggles and are now willing to fight for myself as much as for him... Because he of all people struggles so much so accept the good in himself, refuses to understand how I can possibly believe in him and love him. He made me understand what it is like to suffer because someone you love suffers... because of him I'm able to feel again.

Sometimes love means sticking around until the person you love understands his/her actual importance even when you get hurt along the way. 

"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." 

Bob Marley

Until next time...