Despite all I went through and most of all despite my trust issues, people still perceive me as outgoing, open minded and friendly which is partly true and partly the mask I wear to fit in. I get along with almost everybody on a rather superficial level and only have very few people who know who I truly am. It's not that I refrain myself from saying what I mean because I care oh so much about what people think of me but rather because I don't want to hurt anyone. Knowing that words can hurt more than any physical wound, I try not to speak my mind too freely with those around me because trust me, neither my black humour nor my sarcasm are anywhere near being socially acceptable.
My random amicability, however, hurts people too. In the long run, that is. And I can only imagine that it must hurt that much more finding out how I truly feel after time passed by and they took me for a granted part of their lives. Time and again, I find myself in a friendship with someone who's taking the best of me and/or whom I on the other hand am selfishly using... A while back I wrote about how I used to hang out with people I never saw a basis for true friendship with just to avoid being on my own. I also wrote how this - among many other things - has changed. What I didn't write about so far is the process this change has brought with it... With some it was easy to 'break up', with others it wasn't but in the end, goodbye is the only way when there's no common path forward.
Let me put it like this.. if I was a computer game, most people would pass the first few levels, some would be satisfied with this and keep coming back from time to time; others wouldn't be into the game design, dislike the control features or whatsoever and give up without even giving the first level a real chance. A few would invest time and get to a higher level and get to enjoy some extra features; and barely anyone would bring the right tools, skills, endurance and commitment to get to the last level which consists of a lifetime of other little challenges. This works for everyone but those who get to play the first few levels and already think they got to the last one...
I hate having to make someone see that while he/she thought of me as such a close friend, I was quite comfortable with staying superficial. But once I realise this, it's usually already too late. I'm trying hard not to hurt anyone anymore but I generally reach a point where I feel like I need to explain myself. I promised myself to be very careful in the future but there's only a small discrepancy between being careful and isolating myself... so I've got to be extra careful in that respect I guess^^ It's just that I'm incapable of letting just anyone that close, I'm not everybody's best friend and my mind is a place just about everyone would most certainly be afraid of anyway...
