Fuuuuu... really wished I had more time to spend on writing these days..
Today, nonetheless, this is about those bloody moments none of us is proud of, moments we struggle, fall and are quite unable to get back on our feet by ourselves. Actually, I've been doing great lately - work is exhausting at times but my boss appreciates just about everything I do and I learned whom to trust and whom to avoid in the office. I get to spend more time with my bestie than I had expected and had a wonderful 25th birthday. And still - I barely slept for the past week, I've been crying myself to sleep just about every night and only managed to pull myself together shortly before I had to leave for work anyway.
First I blamed my pms but oh well, this gets a little old a week after I'm supposed to be perfectly fine again I guess. And then all I was left with was confusion. Starting to see a little clearer now though, I have to admit that those past months have quite literally drained me. Almost everything has changed and I had to revoke the high expectations I had about this new chapter of my life - reality is a bitter medicine. I'm neither a robot, nor what you'd call a normal girl... Above all, I have to learn to cope with the fact that I'll never be the strong one 24/7 and I'll keep reminding myself that there's no shame in having F helping me to figure things out...
Frankly, I often still struggle to show my weaknesses - I even had to force myself to tell F about me being a mess. Although I'm perfectly aware that I always can be myself with him, I refuse to give in, let myself be overwhelmed by what I truly feel.. probably because I want to assure him that I'm there for him, that I'm strong enough to lean on. What can I say.. I'm a work in progress. And pretty aware of how weird I'm acting when it comes to this.. which leads me into a further vicious circle of blaming myself for being that silly, arguing with myself about whether to contact him or not, whether I'm doing the right thing burdening him with my mind going blaaaaah and on and on it goes.
None of this, however, really matters in the end because whenever I'm not myself he's the one capable of putting the pieces back together as he prevents me from lying to myself and reminds me of who I truly am. And he couldn't be further from allowing me to put any blame on me for bringing this on him.. It's with him that I see the stars clearly. Even hearing his voice today on the phone made me calm down, brought a little sanity back into me. I know now, I'll be ok again. It's just... he's the only constant left in a life otherwise pretty dumpy...
Or to say it with Tim McIlrath's words I'm "...longing for the shore where I can lay my head down inside these arms of yours".
I love you, F.
Today, nonetheless, this is about those bloody moments none of us is proud of, moments we struggle, fall and are quite unable to get back on our feet by ourselves. Actually, I've been doing great lately - work is exhausting at times but my boss appreciates just about everything I do and I learned whom to trust and whom to avoid in the office. I get to spend more time with my bestie than I had expected and had a wonderful 25th birthday. And still - I barely slept for the past week, I've been crying myself to sleep just about every night and only managed to pull myself together shortly before I had to leave for work anyway.
First I blamed my pms but oh well, this gets a little old a week after I'm supposed to be perfectly fine again I guess. And then all I was left with was confusion. Starting to see a little clearer now though, I have to admit that those past months have quite literally drained me. Almost everything has changed and I had to revoke the high expectations I had about this new chapter of my life - reality is a bitter medicine. I'm neither a robot, nor what you'd call a normal girl... Above all, I have to learn to cope with the fact that I'll never be the strong one 24/7 and I'll keep reminding myself that there's no shame in having F helping me to figure things out...
Frankly, I often still struggle to show my weaknesses - I even had to force myself to tell F about me being a mess. Although I'm perfectly aware that I always can be myself with him, I refuse to give in, let myself be overwhelmed by what I truly feel.. probably because I want to assure him that I'm there for him, that I'm strong enough to lean on. What can I say.. I'm a work in progress. And pretty aware of how weird I'm acting when it comes to this.. which leads me into a further vicious circle of blaming myself for being that silly, arguing with myself about whether to contact him or not, whether I'm doing the right thing burdening him with my mind going blaaaaah and on and on it goes.
None of this, however, really matters in the end because whenever I'm not myself he's the one capable of putting the pieces back together as he prevents me from lying to myself and reminds me of who I truly am. And he couldn't be further from allowing me to put any blame on me for bringing this on him.. It's with him that I see the stars clearly. Even hearing his voice today on the phone made me calm down, brought a little sanity back into me. I know now, I'll be ok again. It's just... he's the only constant left in a life otherwise pretty dumpy...
Or to say it with Tim McIlrath's words I'm "...longing for the shore where I can lay my head down inside these arms of yours".
I love you, F.
