I am weird. I am a freak. I am obese. I am quite heavily tattooed and switch my hair colour frequently. I am who people make fun of. My parents despise me. I lost friends. I am bisexual. I am 26 years old and haven't been in any romantic relationship yet. And I AM OK!
BECAUSE.. I learned to like that I stick out. I've never been good at going with the masses anyway, so what? ..I learned to take a good look at those who make fun of me: Insecure people who didn't learn better than to make themselves feel more adequate by viewing others as inferior. I alone decide how their judgement makes me feel.. If you expect me to be insecure and hide because I am obese you clearly haven't had the pleasure of going out dancing all night long with me.. I love each and every single one of my tattoos and if you don't do, it's not my problem.. I learned that my family is not necessarily the one I was born into but those people who love me unconditionally and truly want what's best for me.. I am learning to let go.. I learned to accept that I'll live with a hole in my heart for the rest of my life.. I found it easier to be open about my sexual orientation rather than playing hide and seek.. I remind myself every single day that I am worth it to wait for the right person.
So yes, I am ok. If you've been following my blog for some time, you might have gotten an idea of the ups and downs I've been through and to say that I am ok, is a major step. The past year has been nothing but struggle. I suffer from a disease called hashimoto syndrome which gradually dissolves the thyroid. For women, the thyroid is responsible for managing the lion's share of hormones. Having one's thyroid dissolved affects people very differently but with my history of psychological struggels due to my parents' abuse, the whole Canada thing and what not, it affected my mood most of all. I had mood swings at least once a week, crying my eyes out over problems that weren't even there. Being the closest to me, F was affected most and almost exclusively by this. I couldn't see how much I mean to him anymore. At times, I forgot how much he cares for me, how much he loves me. I wasn't even able to see how much that hurt him. The darkest moment was when shortly after New Year's, for the second time in my life, I thought about killing myself because I felt too weak to bear the pain anymore. I cut myself to make it go away.. to make me feel enough not to jump. But I wasn't the one I hurt most with such actions. Shortly after, F broke down. We talked, we fought, we screamed at each other, we held each other. It was a brutal wake-up call that would also become the end of what had been an exhausting year for both of us.
Things got better, step by little tiny step. I continued seeing my therapist. I learned to distinguish better between reality and my hormones going berserk. My thyroid was finally dissolved to a point where it was treatable. So now I take my hormones twice a day and am myself again. I still do struggle at times, yes. But I am ok again. I fight. And I will continue fighting because that's just what it takes to go from ok to good and good is what I deserve. And if I ever shouldn't remember that then I surely remember that F is worth it. I am not willing to put him through something like this ever again.. For him, I fought through my darkest hours, always knowing him right beside me. He's what keeps me going when everything else fails. How could I ever doubt his love and friendship when he's shouldering such a burden just to see me smile again one day?
It's so easy to hurt those who truly care for us but it's a scrutiny to stay when you are the one who gets hurt. One of the many things I had to learn is how to cope with F's struggles. When he is struggling and hurting, he tends to shut the world, especially me, out. He avoids me. Fragile as I used to be, I first had to learn that it wasn't actually me he shut out but the truth that pained him too much. We both are utterly honest to both, each other and ourselves when we are together. And that surely is something you feel like running from at times. But it rather testifies for how much we mean to each other than suggesting the opposite. We are both rather intricate persons and it took some adjusting to learn not to take such behaviour personal. But being through what we have been through, I am confident we'll make it through anything. For the past couple of months, F grew cold, almost numb. And of course it does hurt. But I know better than to let the pain get me down. Instead, I grow on it and use it to be the strong one now. I keep pushing as much as I give him time when he needs either. And I refuse to be shut out. I refuse to let him go through this alone. I will be there to take his hate when I push too hard for him to bear and I will be the shoulder to lean and cry on when he opens up. I will be there patiently waiting for him to be himself again one day for I miss him and love him and believe in him.
"You'll
need coffee shops and sunsets and roadtrips.
Airplanes and passports
and new songs and old songs,
but people more than anything else.
You
will need other people and you will need to be that other person to
someone else,
a living, breathing screaming invitation to believe better
things."
I decided to let you in on all of this because I know I am not the only one out there struggling with self-doubt, thoughts of suicide and the feeling that nobody cares for you. I just want you to see that those are L-I-E-S. Believe someone who has been there, who might even understand a bit of where you're coming from. Everyone has the right to be loved for who they are. And when you don't feel like having someone in your life that cares like that for you, keep searching. When I met F, I was already 22 years old. It took us time to find each other and also that is ok because we wouldn't be the people we are today if we had chosen any other path. You, too, will be ok one day. It's not gonna be easy, I won't lie. But it's worth it - every second, every tear, every smile! Things do get better! And it all starts with believing in that.
xoxo
C
