In my mind, I call you home

Hey there, 

Today's World Suicide Prevention Day. Granted, it's not the easiest topic to talk about, but so very necessary and so I decided to postpone my new blog entry till tonight. 

I've lost friends to suicide and, as you might know, there was a time when I, too, lost my will to live. I didn't know what to live for anymore, I thought I wasn't worth caring about, worth loving. Today, I'm so thankful that I didn't end things, that I had friends who took care of me when I had lost just about everything and didn't feel like I had a purpose. And I'm most thankful to the one friend who eventually taught me not to just keep going but to actually live and enjoy being alive. 

Accepting someone else's unconditional love has undeniably transformed me. Doing so enabled me to believe in myself, to dream again, to not be ashamed of myself for who I am, to see the good in myself and it gave me the strength to work on things I hadn't imagined I would ever be strong enough to face. Knowing that there's someone I utterly trust who has my back no matter what gives me so much strength, and knowing that it's the same the other way around still has the power to have me in awe of our friendship.

It's been years since the thought of ending my own life has crossed my mind. I still have rough days, I still doubt myself and am down at times, but I know from the bottom of my heart that I couldn't possibly harm myself - neither physically nor by allowing my worst thoughts to get the better of me.

Even if I was to lose everything else, I now know one thing would remain: The one person who makes me feel at home as soon as I'm with him. Looking back, one of the things I was lacking the most before meeting F was somewhere to belong and looking for it got me into my fair share of trouble. However strange it might sound, I eventually found home not in a place but while spending time with him.

A few days ago I had to say goodbye to F at the airport for the second time within a few weeks. It might actually take me a very few more weekends without our usual coffee stroll to grasp the full extent of him living in another country now, but there's no doubt in me that we still have each other. Of course, I'm still not fearless facing this major change but I know that the trust we place in each other and the strength we give one another doesn't simply fade away just because we're physically separated. Instead, I want to live my life like I know he wants me to.

Overall, what I'm trying to say is that whatever you're going through, however bad things seem right now - don't give up! Keep going and you will eventually find what you're looking for. No matter how often you get hurt along the way, stay open enough to be surprised and if you come across someone who truly cares about you, give them a chance as you give yourself the chance to be transformed.

I truly believe we aren't meant to go through life alone and that it does get better. It really does.

50 random facts about me

Hey there,

First of all: A stranger's insights is now on facebook! :) Check it out and make sure to like and follow the page for updates and even more insights!

https://www.facebook.com/o0astrangersinsights0o

And to shorten the wait until my next regular blog entry, here are 50 more or less random facts about me - enjoy! :D

1. You know how people sometimes talk and only after having said something realise it was inappropriate, weird or awkward or could be perceived as such? I do that. A lot. Basically, I'm Felicity Smoak from Arrow.. minus the looks and the IT knowledge.

2. I'm a bookworm. 

 

3. I basically grew up reading the Harry Potter books, Harry always being approximately my age.

4. I wrote my first book at the age of 17. So far, I haven't finished another one, let alone published anything aside from this blog and some minor articles on human rights topics. 

5. My early writing was heavily influenced by Tolkien.

6. My all-time favourite band is Rise Against. Meeting Tim McIlrath is on my bucket list (which I feel might turn into a blog entry in the not too distant future..). Shame there's only space to share one of their powerful videos here..

7. My eyes change colour when I cry: Usually they are fawn, after crying they are green for a little while.

8. I once sewed my own bridesmaid dress for a friend's wedding because I couldn't find anything I liked.

9. On another friend's wedding, I caught the bouquet. However, I'm still lacking the basic requirements to marry.. like someone to get married to. So much for that superstition. 

10. My 18-year old trainee has been in more relationships than I.

 

11. I've got a total of four piercings and nine tattoos, one being a cover-up and at least three more in the planning (blog entry on my tattoos in the making btw).

12. I'm a volunteer with Amnesty International. 

13. I'm half Dutch, half German, but don't identify with either.

14. I used to be a vegetarian, but had to switch back to eating fish, chicken and beef for medical reasons.

15. I used to study Biology and German linguistics before I decided to become a translator instead. 

16. One of the main incentives for me to become a translator was being annoyed with mistranslated books and texts.

17. Between the ages of 16 and 23, I didn't drink any alcohol. Wild youth..

18. So far, I've kissed more girls than guys.

19. I'm extremely allergic to milk protein. Ingesting any dairy products whose production doesn't require changing the protein structure significantly causes me to keep throwing up for hours and, in severe cases, causes neurodermatitis. Fun times. 

 

20. My favourite subject in school was chemistry.

21. I've got a half-sister who I've never met and whose name is being kept a secret from me.

22. I've recently found my first grey hair. I'm 27..

23. I'm afraid of snakes.

24. I keep my mobile in a penguin-shaped casing.

25. When at my place, I always fall asleep with my salt lamp lit.

26. I'm 1.82m (5.97ft).

27. I've got somewhat of a permanent celebrity crush on David Tennant.

28. I'm somewhat of a cleaning maniac - except for when it comes to doing the dishes.

29. I suck at wearing heels. I can walk in them just fine, but only for two hours max. Thus my preference for Vans and Converse.

30. I used to work in a cinema while studying. As a result, I don't like eating nachos anymore.

31. For some weird reason, I'm immune to hepatitis B.

32. I'm incapable of burping. At least the guys always say my attempts don't count as such. 

33. For years, I used to refer to myself as an atheist, but learned to acknowledge that my basic believes are far from being those of an atheist. However, I don't see myself belonging to any specific religion either.

34. I've got a weakness for red hairs. 

35. I name almost all my technical devices. My external hard disk, for example, goes by the name "little fucker".

36. I apologise way too much. Sometimes, I even apologise for apologising. 

37. I'm a Whovian. 

38. I used to be part of [Echelon].. like before 30 Seconds to Mars started to suck. 

39. I don't eat pork. 

40. Sometimes, I get this gut feeling if something's wrong with someone very important to me without having any logical explanation for why I know. 

41. A few years back, I taught myself Japanese calligraphy. 

42. I like painting and drawing but barely ever like how my work turns out. 

43. I'm a series and anime junkie. 

44. Drinking cola helps me with initial stages of migraines.

45. On most days, I don't wear any make-up, eye make-up at most.

46. My right knee is permanently damaged from an equestrian accident when I was a teen.

47. My dog died when I was away in Canada back in 2009 and I still miss him dearly. 

48. My grandmother was born in 1919 and raised a Nazi which, retrospectively speaking, lead me to always questioning everything, especially authority of any sort, because I could never understand the passiveness she let things happen with.

49. I love dyeing my hair. In the last couple of years, they were blue, pink, purple, green, red and, of course, brown (my natural hair colour if I remember correctly).

50. I always take tons of pictures and collect seemingly worthless keepsakes when I travel somewhere or spend quality time with someone important to me because I believe that my memories are the most precious things I could possibly own. 

Until next time, 

C

Can't spend our lives waiting to live

Hey there,

It's been forever, I'm aware. I haven't blogged in over a year and although there were reasons for me taking that kind of break, they were mostly excuses. Writing this blog requires me to reflect on things, work on myself, admit to my failures and then, to make all that public. Something happened about a year ago that I could not bear to process that way, but instead of just postponing it to when I could, I found too many excuses for not blogging anything at all. I'm honestly sorry because as much as I let myself down, I let you down. I'm still hoping that reading about me finding my way in life helps others in similar situations to believe that for them, too, it is possible to find their very own way and that things, in fact, do get better eventually. 

This hope is exactly what motivates me to revive my blog now and I hope you're ready to continue this journey with me. I don't want to give away too much just yet, but I've got big plans for this little project of mine: A stranger's insights will be on facebook from Monday on the latest, there will be monthly blogs, much more personal details about myself and eventually maybe even a Q&A. Yup, I'm pumped. :D

Frankly, I'm just tired of making excuses for not going through with plans right away and I'm determined to break this habit of postponing things. After all, we can't spend our lives waiting to live. I want to write, I want to travel, I want to learn, I want to socialise, I want to connect and I'm not going to postpone any of this any longer.

I haven't been in hibernation for the past months though, I've continued learning, growing, accepting and loving and can't wait to process it all into blog entries. For tonight, however, I would just like to focus on the most significant change to my life in a long time: F is moving away. 

For the past three years or so, we've been living pretty exactly 100km apart - a distance which we managed to overcome almost every week, at least once a week. Back when I moved to Hamburg, Germany we had to switch from almost daily coffees after classes and occasional nights out to sticking to weekends and vacations. From next week on, however, there will be no less than the North Sea between us. 

Yes, I'm afraid and yes, naturally, I'm a little sad. But here's the thing about a friendship like ours: When your friend gets to follow his dreams, happiness prevails. Also, just because we can't see each other on a weekly basis anymore, it doesn't mean that we don't have each other anymore. There are airplanes and buses and trains. There are phones and texts and whatsapp and facebook messages and skype calls. And most of all, we carry each other with us everyday. 

My everyday life is highly affected by F, I'm always carrying him with me wherever I go: The voice inside my head reminding me to take care of myself, the guilt I feel if I don't and the comfort of knowing he's supporting me, truly wanting the best for me. Accepting to be loved has been the hardest challenge for me, but now that I irrevocably have, it's my responsibility to act accordingly and eliminate the negative in my life, focusing on all that makes me strive and flourish. I owe that to myself and F. 

Until next time, 

C