Those nights

Those nights you rather stay awake and cope with the side effects of insomnia than sleeping.. because everytime you close your eyes, it's impossible to hold back the tears..

Back to the future

 
Canada - the land of maple leaves, maple syrup, maple butter, well, just maple everything, ice hockey and for me, the fear I had to face to eventually find closure. This time, closure comes in the disguise of a two week holiday with F in Montréal, one of the most beautiful cities on earth and for me, the source of fear.

Back in May I already wrote about how I moved to Canada in 2009 to work with a band which turned out to be a cult, led by a controlling psychopath. Quite obviously, this time messed me up very much. So, returning to the very same place I went through all that crap frightened the living hell out of me. But then again, when my dear friend invited me to her wedding there was no way I could have declined. Still, I was very relieved when F agreed to join me on this trip as I didn't feel anywhere close to strong enough to do this on my own.

S and her boyfriend took us in and what I had expected to be a trip to the past turned out to be an entirely new experience. It was truly wonderful to witness how much the girls had developed and changed, living their new lives to the fullest. The wedding itself was just magical but not so much because it was a costly one but rather because it was so very touching for me to see M-É doing what seemed unthinkable a few years back. She is free to love whom he hearts tells her to love now. No one will ever again be able to dictate how to live our lives; that day it became more apparent to me than ever before.

However, coming back made me very vulnerable. For a few days, I cried almost every night because thoughts and memories kept haunting me. Again, I was so very blessed having the best friend in the entire world with me because even when he was dead tired he would wait for me to calm down, hug me, make me feel safe.. His unconditional friendship and love was what enabled me to enjoy our stay nevertheless and fight the demons from a now fading past.

We talked a lot about what happened back then and even though not all of the girls seemed  to have processed all of it properly, I still felt that F slowly understood more of what I went through. Him being there with me, his determination to make our stay the best possible one for me, the curiosity to learn more about my background, the love he showed me each and every day.. it means the world to me. I can't possibly thank you enough for all you have done for me, F! <3

Usually, neither F nor I can stand being with people all the time for longer periods of time. Thus, I was afraid we would end up fighting and getting on each others nerves. But to the contrary, we were able to enjoy our trip together without any interference of our egos and I already miss him again.

So when I now think of Canada, and Montréal in particular, I don't think about the struggles, the pain, the loss, the brokenness. Not anymore. I now have a multitude of new memories, each outmatching the previous one. :)

On another note, I'm in therapy now. And yes, this is good news. I processed all I went through to a certain extend but am not capable of truly letting go such that the past doesn't affect my present life anymore. I need to control the insecurities I carry within that constantly endanger my present relationships. My second session being today, I'm still very much looking forward to working on my issues and to hopefully becoming a better person. I want to be myself at all times, not only for my sake but also for F's since he's the one suffering the most from my insecurities. He deserves someone better.. especially now that he is not doing well and I'm highly worried about him. But we will make it through anything and everything as long as we're together! :)