Hi there,
It's been a while and I'm thrilled to finally have time to write again. Those past few weeks have been exhausting with about twenty exams to write and a whole lot of other daily struggles to face. Actually, I was supposed to stay with my parents in Sweden for a few days but being as drained as I was, I decided to take a few days off from everything in order to recharge my batteries. For the first time in what at least feels like ages I didn't do anything but sleeping, watching movies, going for walks, having comfort food and occasionally seeing friends. Although I still didn't make a full recovery I don't experience everything as heavy anymore.
To be perfectly honest, I have been afraid of the summer for quite a while now. Last summer was horrible, six weeks filled with self-doubt, even self-hatred at times, resulting in closing up and playing a role. I smiled my yeah-sure-I'm-fine-would-you-now-please-just-leave-me-alone smile and got away with it most of the time. So, even though I have achieved a lot since then, even though I'm definitely not the same girl anymore, I was afraid I would just hit the repeat button.
But I'm not. Still, I was about to fall back into old patterns when I went out with friends after finishing those damn exams. About half way through the evening I realised that this would mean saying goodbye to my closest friend for little more than two weeks and even though I know how good it will be for him to be home, how urgently he needs to recharge his own batteries, a part of me missed him already. On every day spent without him I miss something, I'm simply not complete. And it wasn't just about those two weeks but also about this autumn when we'll graduate and our ways a very likely to be separated job-wise. So, instead of just telling him what was on my mind I acted bitchy. I've always been that way - if something is about to happen that I know will hurt me, I just push everyone away and put on my Ms Untouchable mask. I used to go through with that till the end but not with him, I couldn't possibly do that to him, to us. The moment I realised what I was doing I felt so ashamed, so miserable. I apologised to him and fortunately, we were able to talk about it later on when he walked me to the central station. I'm nowhere near perfect, I'm a work in progress and just by being him he's making me pushing my boundaries and catching myself before I fall back entirely. He knows the ugliest parts of me and still he chooses to stay beside me every single time I fail to suppress any of them...
My short holiday is about to end, a working marathon about to start and so far I'm holding it up pretty well. Today, I drove out to a nearby lake and enjoyed how the wind messed up my hair while the fresh air cleared my mind. It's one of the few spots that enable me to just let go, straighten my thoughts and actually enjoy being on my own. Maybe this is even the most significant difference compared to last summer - I might have my bad days but generally speaking, I'm stronger than in a long time and I rather be on my own than with people who don't deserve me, make me play a role and fuck with my mind. I might piss people off but at least I'm myself and I'm not afraid of being on my own anymore. Plus there are 'only' 14 more days to go until I'm able to hug him again (not that I would count them^^).
Until next time...
It's been a while and I'm thrilled to finally have time to write again. Those past few weeks have been exhausting with about twenty exams to write and a whole lot of other daily struggles to face. Actually, I was supposed to stay with my parents in Sweden for a few days but being as drained as I was, I decided to take a few days off from everything in order to recharge my batteries. For the first time in what at least feels like ages I didn't do anything but sleeping, watching movies, going for walks, having comfort food and occasionally seeing friends. Although I still didn't make a full recovery I don't experience everything as heavy anymore.
To be perfectly honest, I have been afraid of the summer for quite a while now. Last summer was horrible, six weeks filled with self-doubt, even self-hatred at times, resulting in closing up and playing a role. I smiled my yeah-sure-I'm-fine-would-you-now-please-just-leave-me-alone smile and got away with it most of the time. So, even though I have achieved a lot since then, even though I'm definitely not the same girl anymore, I was afraid I would just hit the repeat button.
But I'm not. Still, I was about to fall back into old patterns when I went out with friends after finishing those damn exams. About half way through the evening I realised that this would mean saying goodbye to my closest friend for little more than two weeks and even though I know how good it will be for him to be home, how urgently he needs to recharge his own batteries, a part of me missed him already. On every day spent without him I miss something, I'm simply not complete. And it wasn't just about those two weeks but also about this autumn when we'll graduate and our ways a very likely to be separated job-wise. So, instead of just telling him what was on my mind I acted bitchy. I've always been that way - if something is about to happen that I know will hurt me, I just push everyone away and put on my Ms Untouchable mask. I used to go through with that till the end but not with him, I couldn't possibly do that to him, to us. The moment I realised what I was doing I felt so ashamed, so miserable. I apologised to him and fortunately, we were able to talk about it later on when he walked me to the central station. I'm nowhere near perfect, I'm a work in progress and just by being him he's making me pushing my boundaries and catching myself before I fall back entirely. He knows the ugliest parts of me and still he chooses to stay beside me every single time I fail to suppress any of them...
My short holiday is about to end, a working marathon about to start and so far I'm holding it up pretty well. Today, I drove out to a nearby lake and enjoyed how the wind messed up my hair while the fresh air cleared my mind. It's one of the few spots that enable me to just let go, straighten my thoughts and actually enjoy being on my own. Maybe this is even the most significant difference compared to last summer - I might have my bad days but generally speaking, I'm stronger than in a long time and I rather be on my own than with people who don't deserve me, make me play a role and fuck with my mind. I might piss people off but at least I'm myself and I'm not afraid of being on my own anymore. Plus there are 'only' 14 more days to go until I'm able to hug him again (not that I would count them^^).
Until next time...
