The ever-ending dream

Hey there,

After a couple of very stressful and fun days I've been staying with my parents since Tuesday evening. So we're up to about 53 hours now and I counted every single one. For rather obvious reasons (refer to my post of 6 May 2013 if you don't understand what I'm talking about), I don't like staying with them but still, they - especially my mum - put psychological pressure on me so that I always give in and agree to visit them for a short period of time trying my very best to make my stay as short as possible. And I hate myself for it. I've made a lot of progress when it comes to cutting off people who aren't good for me but with my own parents who messed me up in unmeasurable ways and who hurt me over and over again like nobody else, I seem to be unable to take this step.

Even tonight when we got into a fight over just the most ridiculous topics - like always - and my mum cried and asked me not to stop visiting them, I couldn't bring myself to deny her wish. I still have this absolute annoying sense of duty I just can't shake off although I know I would be much better off without them. And I just hate to have such an ending to an otherwise marvellous holiday...

Thursday last week I had to undergo a training by the European Patent Office in Berlin for my job. The training was tiring and lacked just about everything it would have needed to be at least remotely interesting but it gave me the first opportunity in years to visit the German capital, walk its streets and take an amount of pictures so ridiculous I in all likelihood outdid all Japanese tourists combined. Since I don't get along with the colleagues that had joined me for this trip, it was a rather lonely day though.

But that was to change on Friday afternoon when F and I were to work at Amnesty International's Annual Youth Conference. We functioned as both, the interpreters as well as the leaders of the international group during this weekend-long event and it was one of our greatest experiences. We were stressed out and nervous like hell but then, our group turned out to be the best we could have asked for. People from all over Europe and even Ghana had united to discuss ideas and exchange experiences with the common goal of the protection of human rights. After working with various bands and especially working with that one band in Montréal, Canada I had already given up on the chance of experiencing something like this again. After only a very short period of time strangers from all over the place had become friends. This is the beauty that enables me to believe that life is indeed beautiful and worth living after all. Those couple days encouraged me in such a way that I finally feel like I'm needed and well.. wanted.

And now, I'm fighting hard to remember this feeling and not let the way my parents make me feel spoil it. I needed this more than anything and it was a mistake to come here again. I hate the power they still seem to have over me.. I probably should talk to my therapist about how I can gradually free myself of the need to satisfy their expectations. 

What I also need to talk to her about again is that I'm incapable of enjoying my life and moments that just present themselves along the way. When we got the chance to go out with all these amazing people there was a point when all I could think about was how awful it would be to go back to my everyday life, how much I wanted this to never end and be my actual job, working with F on incredible projects like this one.. just like we used to dream of. By letting myself being overwhelmed by those feelings I ruined the night not only for myself but also for F and I can't even begin to apologise.. I'm doing an awful lot of apologising to F lately anyway and I just don't know how much longer he will able to take it.

My plane back to Hamburg leaves in about 8 hours and it's been a long time since I was that afraid of spending the weekend all by myself. I'm afraid of my own thoughts and that I'm not strong enough to stay sane when all I do all day long is fighting with my own mind. I wish I could see F.. but not this weekend. With nobody else being around well.. there's A which I haven't talked much about yet but no, no can do either.. I'll try to keep myself busy somehow and just have to hope that it will do the trick although from experience I should know better than to have any hope..

I'll be back soon.. hopefully with more positive thoughts!

xoxo

C

Longing for the ocean

A month back I posted an excerpt from the lyrics of Bring Me The Horizon's 'hospital for souls'. And I still didn't get rid of that feeling that I need to start all over again. These past weeks were mostly frustrating for me. It seems like nobody even cares to undestand me at work anymore, even the colleagues I work with every day talk shit about me the moment I turn my back. But I could get used to that somehow. What really bothers me is that I don't get anything done these days. I'm tired all the time and dead exhausted after work. Ever since we came back from Canada I've been at the edge of getting sick, always spending my remaining energy on oppressing the symptons as good as possible. For the last week now, I've been on sick leave and didn't do much but watching anime and sleeping. Still, I feel like I should have done more. Maybe finalize the painting I started months ago, finish reading Dan Brown's latest novel.. just something more. I often feel like I should be somewhere else. Maybe a short getaway with F, maybe even moving back to Canada.. just somewhere else. I'm so absolutely annoyed with myself it annoys me. That's what they call a vicious circle I guess.. It's hardly a secret that I'm not good at accepting anything positive about myself but this shit is a whole new level and spending five days all by myself, physically unable to do much didn't help the situation. My goal now is to recover completely and then start exercising again; it usually helps me a whole lot to get this kind of frustration out of my system. Plus F and I are really planning on going back to Munich for a long weekend in the not too distant future so that will certainly take my mind off things too. I just wish I could go and spend some hours at the ocean sometime soon, it always clears my mind and puts me at ease..

More coming soon.

xoxo

Glimpses of heaven

"And then I found out how hard it is to really change.
Even hell can get comfy once you've settled in.
I just wanted the numb inside me to leave.
No matter how fucked you get, there's always hell when you come back down.
The funny thing is all I ever wanted I already had.
There's glimpses of heaven in every day.
In the friends I have, the music I make, the love that I feel.
I just had to start again."

Those nights

Those nights you rather stay awake and cope with the side effects of insomnia than sleeping.. because everytime you close your eyes, it's impossible to hold back the tears..

Back to the future

 
Canada - the land of maple leaves, maple syrup, maple butter, well, just maple everything, ice hockey and for me, the fear I had to face to eventually find closure. This time, closure comes in the disguise of a two week holiday with F in Montréal, one of the most beautiful cities on earth and for me, the source of fear.

Back in May I already wrote about how I moved to Canada in 2009 to work with a band which turned out to be a cult, led by a controlling psychopath. Quite obviously, this time messed me up very much. So, returning to the very same place I went through all that crap frightened the living hell out of me. But then again, when my dear friend invited me to her wedding there was no way I could have declined. Still, I was very relieved when F agreed to join me on this trip as I didn't feel anywhere close to strong enough to do this on my own.

S and her boyfriend took us in and what I had expected to be a trip to the past turned out to be an entirely new experience. It was truly wonderful to witness how much the girls had developed and changed, living their new lives to the fullest. The wedding itself was just magical but not so much because it was a costly one but rather because it was so very touching for me to see M-É doing what seemed unthinkable a few years back. She is free to love whom he hearts tells her to love now. No one will ever again be able to dictate how to live our lives; that day it became more apparent to me than ever before.

However, coming back made me very vulnerable. For a few days, I cried almost every night because thoughts and memories kept haunting me. Again, I was so very blessed having the best friend in the entire world with me because even when he was dead tired he would wait for me to calm down, hug me, make me feel safe.. His unconditional friendship and love was what enabled me to enjoy our stay nevertheless and fight the demons from a now fading past.

We talked a lot about what happened back then and even though not all of the girls seemed  to have processed all of it properly, I still felt that F slowly understood more of what I went through. Him being there with me, his determination to make our stay the best possible one for me, the curiosity to learn more about my background, the love he showed me each and every day.. it means the world to me. I can't possibly thank you enough for all you have done for me, F! <3

Usually, neither F nor I can stand being with people all the time for longer periods of time. Thus, I was afraid we would end up fighting and getting on each others nerves. But to the contrary, we were able to enjoy our trip together without any interference of our egos and I already miss him again.

So when I now think of Canada, and Montréal in particular, I don't think about the struggles, the pain, the loss, the brokenness. Not anymore. I now have a multitude of new memories, each outmatching the previous one. :)

On another note, I'm in therapy now. And yes, this is good news. I processed all I went through to a certain extend but am not capable of truly letting go such that the past doesn't affect my present life anymore. I need to control the insecurities I carry within that constantly endanger my present relationships. My second session being today, I'm still very much looking forward to working on my issues and to hopefully becoming a better person. I want to be myself at all times, not only for my sake but also for F's since he's the one suffering the most from my insecurities. He deserves someone better.. especially now that he is not doing well and I'm highly worried about him. But we will make it through anything and everything as long as we're together! :)

I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone

"I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim

can you feel my heart?"

How to live with a hole in your chest

As for the second topic of tonight's writing session, it's one I've been succesfully avoiding up until now. Aside from being brought up in a disfunctional family, this is probably the one other chapter of my life that fucked me up. But I feel that it is time to get this off my chest now. After all, you can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

So here we go.. Back in 2008 I was running around pretty aimlessly. I had graduated the year before and didn't get into university for the courses I had intended to attend so I took on some minimum-wage jobs and started promoting bands. I started to separate more from my parents, travelled a lot and made friends quickly on our various promotional meetings. I was one of the few lucky ones who got to hang with the bands and listen to soundchecks. Finally, I had a purpose other than science, studying and doing researches on retrospectively hilariously uninmportant topics.

This was the time when C, drummer of band that will remain unnamed for various reasons, approached me on myspace. He said he was different, he didn't want to simply advertise his band but to get to know me. And he kept his word. We became close quickly and I got to know more and more of his family members, i.e. the band and crew members that were all living and working together. Being rejected by my parents ever since I developed my own mindset and yet not having experienced the true meaning of friendship, I thought I had found what I was looking for all along. I was considered a family member and even invited to visit them in Canada after meeting C and some of the other German supporters in Cologne in October 2008.

Even though I had started studying Biology, German and Educational Science in the meantime, I visited C and "the family" in March 2009. C took most of the time off and we walked hours and hours through beautiful Montreal sharing our hearts. I will never forget the evening he took me to the top of Mont Royal to watch the sun set behind the breathtaking skyline. Neither will I forget the night I spent with S, the band's lead guitarrist, crying our eyes out on the way back home from Quebec City. Those couple of beautiful days I got to spend with them convinced me that it was the real thing, that my home and happiness where with them.

Back in Germany I started working with them, promoting them, translating their numerous blogs and subtitling their weekly videos. At some point they asked me to move in with them and I gladly accepted as there was nothing to hold me back in Germany. So, back in early October 2009 I left Germany and moved to Montreal, filled with expetations, excitement and hope - all to be destroyed during the months that were to come.

Living with the crew and band turned out to be totally different from what I had expected. I learned the hard way that how they portrayed themselves on the internet couldn't be further from the truth. Behind the curtains it turned out to be a cult lead by an borderline psychotic establishing a totalitarian system of control by means of fear and religion. I had to work 16 to 18h a day, had to recrute a certain number of people each day (about 150 in the end), write messages, "spread the word" and most of all "reach out" to all the allegedly "lost souls". Only upon being part of their daily business I realized that what A, lead singer and "spiritual leader", used to fuel this movement was the believe in the Christian god. Since I am an atheist I had C assuring me that this wouldn't become a problem before I moved in. No problem my ass.. Plus I'm allergic to being controlled and pushed in a direction I know is not right for me. So my struggles begun...

At first I thought I was the problem, that I should appreciate more what had been given to me. Then I thought I could change how things worked until eventually I was counting the days until my pre-scheduled flight back to Germany was to leave. I collapsed more times than I can count during those months, it was a constant mindfuck. When my dear friend S, the band's former IT girl, left, I saw how everyone slowly turned against her and it made me realise even more how the system was set up. Fear of losing the family and hate against those who dared to leave of their own will was what kept this bunch of roughly 25 people together.

And I was to become one of them. I slowly lost myself and had noone to turn to that wasn't brainwashed. Even when I and another crew member became close, they used it to control us. When I started to become a troublemaker in paradise they separated us and when we eventually saw each other again, he was an entirely different person filled with ridiculous ideas about some higher purpose but without the sparkling in his eyes that I always loved so much. It broke my heart.

When everything came down to me leaving, however, I waited up for the guys to say our goodbyes and those most important to me and I parted on rather good terms. C assured me he loved and trusted me and that we would stay in touch and see each other again soon. I took A less than a week to brainwash him and all the others in believing that I was their new enemy No. 1, all up in arms and ready to destroy their precious family.

Everything had fallen apart, I felt the most intense pain I ever felt in my entire life rushing through my heart, piercing every individual cell of it. The days that followed where the only ones I actually toyed with the idea of killing myself and it's only thanks to three girls that had left the band/cult before I did that Mont Royal didn't become my grave. S took me in in her tiny tiny little one-room flat for the remaining time until my flight was to leave. M.E. and most of all M did their very best to keep me entertained and made sure that I was never alone for long periods of time. They saved my life.

It was all too much to handle and endure and I eventually just became numb. And I'm not talking numb like I am right now, I'm talking numb as in not feeling a single fucking thing. No joy, no pain, no hate, no excitement. Nothing. I had such a very hard time resuming life in Germany but learned how to trick most people with a fake smile so that they would percept me as a rather average girl. Only few weren't tricked but I couldn't let them close for real...

About half a year later I met F who finally taught me how to feel, live and love again. He's the one other person I truly owe my life to. Maybe this helps you understanding the struggle I went through since, as well as F's importance to me. And if it doesn't, this definitively helps me closing the doors behind it. I have long accepted that I will live with a hole in my chest for the rest of my life but the wounds have become scars and do not hurt anymore. I dare saying I'm an entirely different person now and I am thankful that not only scars but also true friends are what remained.

The love I need to see me through

Since I'm doing such a marvellous job wearing myself down and such a poor one shutting my damn brain up anyway, I'll take the time to write a bit more tonight. There are two surely not entirely independent but still unrelated issues I need to get off my chest so I'll split my respective thoughts into two posts.

For already quite a while now I've been building my walls up at work. Sure, there are some pretty nice colleagues and at least one I actually might get along with well but in general, we're just nowhere near being on the same page with regard to almost any topic. So I keep to myself and do my best to ignore the amazingly high level of stupidity I'm facing every day. It has worked quite well for some time but who was I to think that I could actually draw a line and control where to shut my numbness on or off? It works surprisingly well when I'm with F, with everyone else not so much.

There's only a limited amount of disappointment, pain and loneliness I'm capable of enduring and at first, I actually felt relieved to shut it all off. I felt like I could be kinda happy despite everything. I was wrong. Now, all I'm left with is a fear I've never felt before. I'm scared of myself, of what I'm to do next, of fucking up on an even higher scale.

Although the last time I fucked up majorly affected F directly, he stuck by me unconditionally. He left no space whatsoever for doubts, even in my darkest hours I can't deny anymore that I can always count on him. And still, on various occasions now, the impression that I'm a burden and not an asset to his life settled in. I feel like I'm wearing him down and am (no longer) contributing to his happiness. I didn't tell him about it yet because I seem to have skipped the part where this was still just an idea and have gone straight to acknowledging it as the truth. I've even been toying with the idea of just not being in touch so that I can't burden him with my problems anymore, so that he's free of me... and at the same time I have no intention of hurting him and still want him to know that he can always reach out to me whenever he wants to and whenever he needs me. I now put all my trust in him, knowing that he will continue to stick with me, waiting for this to end, reminding me that being just ok is not good enough, being the best friend I could possibly ask for... He's such an incredible idiot for doing so though!

Forget my name

I struggle, fight, fall, rise again and keep going..
but for what reason when I destroy everything good that ever comes near me?
the safest way to ensure somebody else's happiness for me is to stay away

I only wear you down.. you burn in my chaos... so just let me be

"if you see me, please just walk on by
forget my name and I'll forget it too"

"Suffering from something we're not sure of in a world there is no cure for"

As my former expectations are finally colliding with this weird concept called reality, I must admit that I'm still struggling to adjust to this new chapter of my life. I never wanted a job to become my life but rather a job that enables me to live the life I want - filled with friends, exciting journeys, new experiences and adventures. Yet I find myself in a job that - despite being quite fun most of the time - turns me into a person who hates Mondays and counts the days until the weekend only to totally waste that time too. I just cannot believe that already five months have gone by since I've moved to Hamburg. Any attempt to meet new people and engage in some activity aside from work were doomed to fail due to an almost constant lack of time. Plus my colleagues think of me as some weird creature from outer space and I almost expect them to actually check whether my skin is green and just covered with camouflage xD

For quite a few weeks, my private life - as limited as it already is - has been consumed by a single friend who was going through some rough times. Despite the fact that there's nothing more important to me than my close friends and thus their well-being, he quickly became way too attached, calling a couple times a day at any time of the day, demanding my attention whenever it suited him without realising that he was literally draining me. Once again I had to learn the hard way that there are very very few people in my life I can care for 24/7 without losing myself.

Me giving in to my parents begging me to come to visit doesn't really help to make me feel better either. To top it all off I was diagnosed with a currently untreatable level of an autoimmune disease that causes - among all kinds of fucked up stuff - mood swings. Yay^^

It was only at F's place some weeks ago that I found rest for the first time in weeks. After a movie night over at a friend's place I just watched him play LoL and fell asleep eventually. It just feels like home whenever I'm with him. Even though we have our rough times, it's still only him I feel fully at peace with. 

After being enabled to see a bit clearer again I started to turn things around again, tried not to work as much overtime, changed back to a healthier diet, didn't drink, exercised more and at least tried to get more sleep than usual. But in the end it was all a charade to cover up the loneliness that has taken over my heart during those past months. Eventually, I collapsed last Friday night when what was planed as a girls' night out ended with me drinking about three quarters of a bottle of scotch on my own and losing myself completely. I never blacked out before in my life.. and it seriously freaked me out. Let alone the gastric spasms and attacks of shivering that followed on the next day. 

It still freaks me out that this time, I didn't even care where my limit was but all I was in for was forgetting... forgetting about the fact that I had been on flu meds that don't go well with alcohol for days, forgetting all the shit that was going on, forgetting this disturbing feeling of absolute uselessness, forgetting my loneliness, forgetting the piteousness of my mere existence. I scared myself and I do not want to lose myself like this ever again. Change is what I need right now.. though I'm neither sure in what form nor where it's supposed to lead me. Right now, I even consider resuming a straight edge lifestyle... we'll see.

What bothers me most is that by losing myself like this, I didn't realise the true dimension of what my closest friend is currently going through... which is just about the most horrible thing for me to realise about myself. I feel like shit for having him taking care of me while I wasn't strong enough to be there for him the way he would have needed me.. :(

However, we'll get this all fixed just a we always do, I'm certain of it..
"let's take this one day at a time, I'll hold your hand if you hold mine" <3

How do you do it?

Being such a horrifying, annoying and repellent mess once again tonight, I can't even start to grasp how you could possibly stick with me. 

How do you do what seems so absolutely unbearable? 

Why would you do this to yourself? 

You would be so much better off without me!

If I only could, I'd probably run too.

At least tonight.

May the morning bring clarity, sanity.. anything.. something different from this.

As if it was your own

"When you're able to feel someone else's pain
as if it was your own & are willing to give your
happiness away, so you don't see a tear on their eyes...
That's the moment you know
what LOVE means."

-unknown author-

Because sometimes goodbye is the only way

Despite all I went through and most of all despite my trust issues, people still perceive me as outgoing, open minded and friendly which is partly true and partly the mask I wear to fit in. I get along with almost everybody on a rather superficial level and only have very few people who know who I truly am. It's not that I refrain myself from saying what I mean because I care oh so much about what people think of me but rather because I don't want to hurt anyone. Knowing that words can hurt more than any physical wound, I try not to speak my mind too freely with those around me because trust me, neither my black humour nor my sarcasm are anywhere near being socially acceptable.

My random amicability, however, hurts people too. In the long run, that is. And I can only imagine that it must hurt that much more finding out how I truly feel after time passed by and they took me for a granted part of their lives. Time and again, I find myself in a friendship with someone who's taking the best of me and/or whom I on the other hand am selfishly using... A while back I wrote about how I used to hang out with people I never saw a basis for true friendship with just to avoid being on my own. I also wrote how this - among many other things - has changed. What I didn't write about so far is the process this change has brought with it... With some it was easy to 'break up', with others it wasn't but in the end, goodbye is the only way when there's no common path forward.

Let me put it like this.. if I was a computer game, most people would pass the first few levels, some would be satisfied with this and keep coming back from time to time; others wouldn't be into the game design, dislike the control features or whatsoever and give up without even giving the first level a real chance. A few would invest time and get to a higher level and get to enjoy some extra features; and barely anyone would bring the right tools, skills, endurance and commitment to get to the last level which consists of a lifetime of other little challenges. This works for everyone but those who get to play the first few levels and already think they got to the last one...

I hate having to make someone see that while he/she thought of me as such a close friend, I was quite comfortable with staying superficial. But once I realise this, it's usually already too late. I'm trying hard not to hurt anyone anymore but I generally reach a point where I feel like I need to explain myself. I promised myself to be very careful in the future but there's only a small discrepancy between being careful and isolating myself... so I've got to be extra careful in that respect I guess^^ It's just that I'm incapable of letting just anyone that close, I'm not everybody's best friend and my mind is a place just about everyone would most certainly be afraid of anyway...