As
my former expectations are finally colliding with this weird concept
called reality, I must admit that I'm still struggling to adjust to this
new chapter of my life. I never wanted a job to become my life but
rather a job that enables me to live the life I want - filled with
friends, exciting journeys, new experiences and adventures. Yet I find
myself in a job that - despite being quite fun most of the time - turns
me into a person who hates Mondays and counts the days until the weekend
only to totally waste that time too. I just cannot believe that already
five months have gone by since I've moved to Hamburg. Any attempt to
meet new people and engage in some activity aside from work were doomed
to fail due to an almost constant lack of time. Plus my colleagues think of
me as some weird creature from outer space and I almost expect them to
actually check whether my skin is green and just covered with camouflage
xD
For
quite a few weeks, my private life - as limited as it already is - has been
consumed by a single friend who was going through some rough times.
Despite the fact that there's nothing more important to me than my close
friends and thus their well-being, he quickly became way too attached,
calling a couple times a day at any time of the day, demanding my
attention whenever it suited him without realising that he was literally
draining me. Once again I had to learn the hard way that there are very
very few people in my life I can care for 24/7 without losing myself.
Me giving in to my parents begging me to come to visit doesn't really help to make me feel better either.
To top it all off I was diagnosed with a currently untreatable level of
an autoimmune disease that causes - among all kinds of fucked up stuff -
mood swings. Yay^^
It
was only at F's place some weeks ago that I found rest for the first
time in weeks. After a movie night over at a friend's place I just
watched him play LoL and fell asleep eventually. It just feels like home
whenever I'm with him. Even though we have our rough times, it's still
only him I feel fully at peace with.
After
being enabled to see a bit clearer again I started to turn things
around again, tried not to work as much overtime, changed back to a
healthier diet, didn't drink, exercised more and at least tried to get
more sleep than usual. But in the end it was all a charade to cover up
the loneliness that has taken over my heart during those past months.
Eventually, I collapsed last Friday night when what was planed as a
girls' night out ended with me drinking about three quarters of a bottle
of scotch on my own and losing myself completely. I never blacked out
before in my life.. and it seriously freaked me out. Let alone the gastric
spasms and attacks of shivering that followed on the next day.
It
still freaks me out that this time, I didn't even care where
my limit was but all I was in for was forgetting... forgetting about the
fact that I had been on flu meds that don't go well with alcohol for
days, forgetting all the shit that was going on, forgetting this
disturbing feeling of absolute uselessness, forgetting my loneliness,
forgetting the piteousness of my mere existence. I scared myself and I do not want to lose myself like this ever again.
Change is what I need right now.. though I'm neither sure in what form
nor where it's supposed to lead me. Right now, I even consider resuming a
straight edge lifestyle... we'll see.
What
bothers me most is that by losing myself like this, I didn't realise the
true dimension of what my closest friend is currently going through...
which is just about the most horrible thing for me to realise about
myself. I feel like shit for having him taking care of me while I wasn't
strong enough to be there for him the way he would have needed me..
:(
However, we'll get this all fixed just a we always do, I'm certain of it..
"let's take this one day at a time, I'll hold your hand if you hold mine" <3
"let's take this one day at a time, I'll hold your hand if you hold mine" <3
