Hey there,
Today's World Suicide Prevention Day. Granted, it's not the easiest topic to talk about, but so very necessary and so I decided to postpone my new blog entry till tonight.
I've lost friends to suicide and, as you might know, there was a time when I, too, lost my will to live. I didn't know what to live for anymore, I thought I wasn't worth caring about, worth loving. Today, I'm so thankful that I didn't end things, that I had friends who took care of me when I had lost just about everything and didn't feel like I had a purpose. And I'm most thankful to the one friend who eventually taught me not to just keep going but to actually live and enjoy being alive.
Accepting someone else's unconditional love has undeniably transformed me. Doing so enabled me to believe in myself, to dream again, to not be ashamed of myself for who I am, to see the good in myself and it gave me the strength to work on things I hadn't imagined I would ever be strong enough to face. Knowing that there's someone I utterly trust who has my back no matter what gives me so much strength, and knowing that it's the same the other way around still has the power to have me in awe of our friendship.
It's been years since the thought of ending my own life has crossed my mind. I still have rough days, I still doubt myself and am down at times, but I know from the bottom of my heart that I couldn't possibly harm myself - neither physically nor by allowing my worst thoughts to get the better of me.
Even if I was to lose everything else, I now know one thing would remain: The one person who makes me feel at home as soon as I'm with him. Looking back, one of the things I was lacking the most before meeting F was somewhere to belong and looking for it got me into my fair share of trouble. However strange it might sound, I eventually found home not in a place but while spending time with him.
A few days ago I had to say goodbye to F at the airport for the second time within a few weeks. It might actually take me a very few more weekends without our usual coffee stroll to grasp the full extent of him living in another country now, but there's no doubt in me that we still have each other. Of course, I'm still not fearless facing this major change but I know that the trust we place in each other and the strength we give one another doesn't simply fade away just because we're physically separated. Instead, I want to live my life like I know he wants me to.
Overall, what I'm trying to say is that whatever you're going through, however bad things seem right now - don't give up! Keep going and you will eventually find what you're looking for. No matter how often you get hurt along the way, stay open enough to be surprised and if you come across someone who truly cares about you, give them a chance as you give yourself the chance to be transformed.
I truly believe we aren't meant to go through life alone and that it does get better. It really does.
