Hey there,
So
little time did it take me to stray from my publishing schedule. I
could tell you it's because I've been down with a nasty flu for weeks,
have been freakishly busy at work or because my workload for Amnesty
International has risen exponentially and all of these were contributory
factors, but no more than that. Frankly, I've just tried to avoid facing everything that's been going on those past weeks. I was afraid of doing exactly what I have to do now: Shutting off the numbness and dealing with my honest emotions. It took me longer than it should have to be able to write about this without jeopardising the message of hope I want my words to transpire.
For a few weeks, I had a pretty busy social life. There was a bunch of people from my AI group who just started hanging out and doing stuff together. I was welcomed with open arms and seemingly no judgement, but still had a difficult time opening up. Being used and hurt so many times, I have a hard time really trusting people above a friendly chit-chat level. And there they were, treating me like I was a normal person, telling me they loved me without blinking an eye or making a big deal out of it and it honestly freaked me out. As honourable as their intentions might seem, I don't trust people who say they love someone that easily, who say those words without knowing shit about me. I'm afraid it takes a lot more for me to accept that statement than some drunken party nights. Still, I kept hanging out with them for two reasons: Distraction from F having moved and J.
J and I first met last summer but didn't really start spending time before autumn's colours took over. He made trusting someone seem easy again. We could talk for hours without getting bored: Everyone around us would be drinking, singing along to silly songs, taking unjustifiable amounts of selfies while we would always end up in some corner talking, sharing our hearts and drinks. He didn't seem to care one bit about my size, he would just ignore people around us starting to talk about us being a couple, he would always be the first one hugging me hello when I arrived at parties in my usually unfashionably late manner, he would always come rescue me from unwanted company and make me laugh so hard, I eventually stopped wearing any mascara when with him because it would only come off anyway. He would always leave when I did without considering his own schedule much, keeping me warm while waiting for the metro home. The one night he just looked me in the eyes, took both my hands and dragged me on the dance floor to teach me how to dance the boogie to "breakfast at tiffany's" was certainly one of the best nights of my life. It was also the night he told me he would always be there to protect me and although we both knew it was sort of a lie, I just chose to believe him. I chose to trust him, accept him as an irremovable part of my life.
All that seems like a dream now. 37 days ago, he moved back home - home being rather exactly 985km away. We promised to stay in touch, visit each other, but now we're barely talking. Most days, I'm just numb. Thinking about it just hurts too much and with him being gone, hanging out with the same group of people just seems too painful a reminder. He has certainly left an imprint on all of us but being asked about him all the time is driving me insane. I'm probably a terrible person for feeling this way, but however much I'm actually amazed at being welcomed without prejudice, much of it feels like methadone - "potent but not real, left you wanting more".
With neither F nor J around, I feel more lonely than ever and the difference in being around and away from J leaves me insecure as fuck. I'm pretty good at hiding it for now but inside, my emotions are a mess.
The full extent of F having moved away hits me every now and then when the mask of numbness starts to crumble. The harsh honesty of the clock striking midnight on new year's eve was rarely as insufferable as roughly three weeks ago. But it's usually when I get to talk to F on Skype that I can't hide how miserable I am. Things are different now, of course. Him being the one who is capable of seeing right through me, forcing me to be honest with myself and him will, however, never change. I'm extremely thankful to him for being so patient with me once again as I waste too much of the time we get to talk to each other on being at my gloomy worst, my heightened insecurity resulting in hurtful comments and thus affecting him no less than me. I really wonder what I've ever done to deserve him.
I visited F for my 28th birthday in December and it was truly amazing. I'm rarely as free to be myself as I am with him, the intensity with which he inspires me and pushes me to be a better person is unrivalled. Just by being himself, he gives me incentives for living up to my potential, making necessary changes and searching for what I really want. The latter giving me quite a hard time..
For years now, my dreams and ideas just happened to become ours without giving it much thought, naturally so to speak. However, reality has kicked in and I am left re-anlysing what it is that I want from life, where I want to go and what I want to do irrespective of where F is going. I'm not talking about living separate lives here, far from it. I'm talking about making choices for just myself again and that has turned out to be more of a challenge than I anticipated. When I visited F in Scotland, I realised how much more at home I feel over there compared to here. As a citizen of the European Union, I'm luckily pretty free to move around, but it nonetheless remains a profound decision. F won't be staying in Scotland forever, he'll be moving around a little before getting settled and I always understood this was something he had to do by himself. So if I move away, it has to be some place I feel at home at irrespective of whether he is around or not. I don't like where I am right now, neither the place nor what it's been doing to me so it's a no-brainer that I need to try somewhere else. I guess I just need a little time finding out where I should go and luckily, as always, F is right next to me helping me to figure things out. For now, I'm keeping myself occupied with starting to organise more, getting a grip on my life and starting to get rid of stuff I don't need in order to facilitate moving.
I am countering both, my gloominess and my fears, by focusing on what's good for me and what makes me feel good about myself. As F reminded me just the other day, as long as I'm happy with myself, everything else will fall into place. Counting the days till I can see him again does help, too. :)
"Our fears can play tricks on us making us afraid to change course, afraid to move on, but usually, hidden behind our fears, are second chances waiting to be seized. Second chances at life, at glory, at family, at love."
Until next time,
C
For a few weeks, I had a pretty busy social life. There was a bunch of people from my AI group who just started hanging out and doing stuff together. I was welcomed with open arms and seemingly no judgement, but still had a difficult time opening up. Being used and hurt so many times, I have a hard time really trusting people above a friendly chit-chat level. And there they were, treating me like I was a normal person, telling me they loved me without blinking an eye or making a big deal out of it and it honestly freaked me out. As honourable as their intentions might seem, I don't trust people who say they love someone that easily, who say those words without knowing shit about me. I'm afraid it takes a lot more for me to accept that statement than some drunken party nights. Still, I kept hanging out with them for two reasons: Distraction from F having moved and J.
J and I first met last summer but didn't really start spending time before autumn's colours took over. He made trusting someone seem easy again. We could talk for hours without getting bored: Everyone around us would be drinking, singing along to silly songs, taking unjustifiable amounts of selfies while we would always end up in some corner talking, sharing our hearts and drinks. He didn't seem to care one bit about my size, he would just ignore people around us starting to talk about us being a couple, he would always be the first one hugging me hello when I arrived at parties in my usually unfashionably late manner, he would always come rescue me from unwanted company and make me laugh so hard, I eventually stopped wearing any mascara when with him because it would only come off anyway. He would always leave when I did without considering his own schedule much, keeping me warm while waiting for the metro home. The one night he just looked me in the eyes, took both my hands and dragged me on the dance floor to teach me how to dance the boogie to "breakfast at tiffany's" was certainly one of the best nights of my life. It was also the night he told me he would always be there to protect me and although we both knew it was sort of a lie, I just chose to believe him. I chose to trust him, accept him as an irremovable part of my life.
All that seems like a dream now. 37 days ago, he moved back home - home being rather exactly 985km away. We promised to stay in touch, visit each other, but now we're barely talking. Most days, I'm just numb. Thinking about it just hurts too much and with him being gone, hanging out with the same group of people just seems too painful a reminder. He has certainly left an imprint on all of us but being asked about him all the time is driving me insane. I'm probably a terrible person for feeling this way, but however much I'm actually amazed at being welcomed without prejudice, much of it feels like methadone - "potent but not real, left you wanting more".
With neither F nor J around, I feel more lonely than ever and the difference in being around and away from J leaves me insecure as fuck. I'm pretty good at hiding it for now but inside, my emotions are a mess.
The full extent of F having moved away hits me every now and then when the mask of numbness starts to crumble. The harsh honesty of the clock striking midnight on new year's eve was rarely as insufferable as roughly three weeks ago. But it's usually when I get to talk to F on Skype that I can't hide how miserable I am. Things are different now, of course. Him being the one who is capable of seeing right through me, forcing me to be honest with myself and him will, however, never change. I'm extremely thankful to him for being so patient with me once again as I waste too much of the time we get to talk to each other on being at my gloomy worst, my heightened insecurity resulting in hurtful comments and thus affecting him no less than me. I really wonder what I've ever done to deserve him.
I visited F for my 28th birthday in December and it was truly amazing. I'm rarely as free to be myself as I am with him, the intensity with which he inspires me and pushes me to be a better person is unrivalled. Just by being himself, he gives me incentives for living up to my potential, making necessary changes and searching for what I really want. The latter giving me quite a hard time..
For years now, my dreams and ideas just happened to become ours without giving it much thought, naturally so to speak. However, reality has kicked in and I am left re-anlysing what it is that I want from life, where I want to go and what I want to do irrespective of where F is going. I'm not talking about living separate lives here, far from it. I'm talking about making choices for just myself again and that has turned out to be more of a challenge than I anticipated. When I visited F in Scotland, I realised how much more at home I feel over there compared to here. As a citizen of the European Union, I'm luckily pretty free to move around, but it nonetheless remains a profound decision. F won't be staying in Scotland forever, he'll be moving around a little before getting settled and I always understood this was something he had to do by himself. So if I move away, it has to be some place I feel at home at irrespective of whether he is around or not. I don't like where I am right now, neither the place nor what it's been doing to me so it's a no-brainer that I need to try somewhere else. I guess I just need a little time finding out where I should go and luckily, as always, F is right next to me helping me to figure things out. For now, I'm keeping myself occupied with starting to organise more, getting a grip on my life and starting to get rid of stuff I don't need in order to facilitate moving.
I am countering both, my gloominess and my fears, by focusing on what's good for me and what makes me feel good about myself. As F reminded me just the other day, as long as I'm happy with myself, everything else will fall into place. Counting the days till I can see him again does help, too. :)
"Our fears can play tricks on us making us afraid to change course, afraid to move on, but usually, hidden behind our fears, are second chances waiting to be seized. Second chances at life, at glory, at family, at love."
Until next time,
C
