Hey there,
For the second time in the last couple of months, I allowed someone else's opinion to affect me negatively and to catalyse my ugliest thoughts breaking through. Both times, F was on the receiving end.
I met change with growing insecurity and was anxious that things which happened in the past were to occur again, that all F had achieved for himself was to evanesce. Instead of fighting those bullshit thoughts and focusing on making the best of the time I had with F, a common friend of ours sharing her concerns about the actually very positive change in his life triggered me to lose control.
When he's exhausted and tired, F tends to be painfully honest. Only when he was, I realised the full extent of his exhaustion caused by being confronted with everyone's expectations and disappointment in him for not taking as much time as they'd like when visiting his old hometown. I should have felt so much earlier, I should have known, I should have been there for him and supported him in a different way. Instead, I was self-centred, lost control and only added to his exhaustion. Again. All we talked about that night had its reason to be spoken about, albeit in a very different manner.
I'm deeply ashamed and feel like a terrible friend. More than that, I know it to be true.
I'm aware I shouldn't think of myself as the sum of my mistakes, but it's quite impossible not to at the moment. The only way I know how to face this, however, is increasing efforts to work on myself to the breaking point for it was too painful a reminder of how much I still have to do.
Until soon,
C
