The ever-ending dream

Hey there,

After a couple of very stressful and fun days I've been staying with my parents since Tuesday evening. So we're up to about 53 hours now and I counted every single one. For rather obvious reasons (refer to my post of 6 May 2013 if you don't understand what I'm talking about), I don't like staying with them but still, they - especially my mum - put psychological pressure on me so that I always give in and agree to visit them for a short period of time trying my very best to make my stay as short as possible. And I hate myself for it. I've made a lot of progress when it comes to cutting off people who aren't good for me but with my own parents who messed me up in unmeasurable ways and who hurt me over and over again like nobody else, I seem to be unable to take this step.

Even tonight when we got into a fight over just the most ridiculous topics - like always - and my mum cried and asked me not to stop visiting them, I couldn't bring myself to deny her wish. I still have this absolute annoying sense of duty I just can't shake off although I know I would be much better off without them. And I just hate to have such an ending to an otherwise marvellous holiday...

Thursday last week I had to undergo a training by the European Patent Office in Berlin for my job. The training was tiring and lacked just about everything it would have needed to be at least remotely interesting but it gave me the first opportunity in years to visit the German capital, walk its streets and take an amount of pictures so ridiculous I in all likelihood outdid all Japanese tourists combined. Since I don't get along with the colleagues that had joined me for this trip, it was a rather lonely day though.

But that was to change on Friday afternoon when F and I were to work at Amnesty International's Annual Youth Conference. We functioned as both, the interpreters as well as the leaders of the international group during this weekend-long event and it was one of our greatest experiences. We were stressed out and nervous like hell but then, our group turned out to be the best we could have asked for. People from all over Europe and even Ghana had united to discuss ideas and exchange experiences with the common goal of the protection of human rights. After working with various bands and especially working with that one band in Montréal, Canada I had already given up on the chance of experiencing something like this again. After only a very short period of time strangers from all over the place had become friends. This is the beauty that enables me to believe that life is indeed beautiful and worth living after all. Those couple days encouraged me in such a way that I finally feel like I'm needed and well.. wanted.

And now, I'm fighting hard to remember this feeling and not let the way my parents make me feel spoil it. I needed this more than anything and it was a mistake to come here again. I hate the power they still seem to have over me.. I probably should talk to my therapist about how I can gradually free myself of the need to satisfy their expectations. 

What I also need to talk to her about again is that I'm incapable of enjoying my life and moments that just present themselves along the way. When we got the chance to go out with all these amazing people there was a point when all I could think about was how awful it would be to go back to my everyday life, how much I wanted this to never end and be my actual job, working with F on incredible projects like this one.. just like we used to dream of. By letting myself being overwhelmed by those feelings I ruined the night not only for myself but also for F and I can't even begin to apologise.. I'm doing an awful lot of apologising to F lately anyway and I just don't know how much longer he will able to take it.

My plane back to Hamburg leaves in about 8 hours and it's been a long time since I was that afraid of spending the weekend all by myself. I'm afraid of my own thoughts and that I'm not strong enough to stay sane when all I do all day long is fighting with my own mind. I wish I could see F.. but not this weekend. With nobody else being around well.. there's A which I haven't talked much about yet but no, no can do either.. I'll try to keep myself busy somehow and just have to hope that it will do the trick although from experience I should know better than to have any hope..

I'll be back soon.. hopefully with more positive thoughts!

xoxo

C

Longing for the ocean

A month back I posted an excerpt from the lyrics of Bring Me The Horizon's 'hospital for souls'. And I still didn't get rid of that feeling that I need to start all over again. These past weeks were mostly frustrating for me. It seems like nobody even cares to undestand me at work anymore, even the colleagues I work with every day talk shit about me the moment I turn my back. But I could get used to that somehow. What really bothers me is that I don't get anything done these days. I'm tired all the time and dead exhausted after work. Ever since we came back from Canada I've been at the edge of getting sick, always spending my remaining energy on oppressing the symptons as good as possible. For the last week now, I've been on sick leave and didn't do much but watching anime and sleeping. Still, I feel like I should have done more. Maybe finalize the painting I started months ago, finish reading Dan Brown's latest novel.. just something more. I often feel like I should be somewhere else. Maybe a short getaway with F, maybe even moving back to Canada.. just somewhere else. I'm so absolutely annoyed with myself it annoys me. That's what they call a vicious circle I guess.. It's hardly a secret that I'm not good at accepting anything positive about myself but this shit is a whole new level and spending five days all by myself, physically unable to do much didn't help the situation. My goal now is to recover completely and then start exercising again; it usually helps me a whole lot to get this kind of frustration out of my system. Plus F and I are really planning on going back to Munich for a long weekend in the not too distant future so that will certainly take my mind off things too. I just wish I could go and spend some hours at the ocean sometime soon, it always clears my mind and puts me at ease..

More coming soon.

xoxo