The love I need to see me through

Since I'm doing such a marvellous job wearing myself down and such a poor one shutting my damn brain up anyway, I'll take the time to write a bit more tonight. There are two surely not entirely independent but still unrelated issues I need to get off my chest so I'll split my respective thoughts into two posts.

For already quite a while now I've been building my walls up at work. Sure, there are some pretty nice colleagues and at least one I actually might get along with well but in general, we're just nowhere near being on the same page with regard to almost any topic. So I keep to myself and do my best to ignore the amazingly high level of stupidity I'm facing every day. It has worked quite well for some time but who was I to think that I could actually draw a line and control where to shut my numbness on or off? It works surprisingly well when I'm with F, with everyone else not so much.

There's only a limited amount of disappointment, pain and loneliness I'm capable of enduring and at first, I actually felt relieved to shut it all off. I felt like I could be kinda happy despite everything. I was wrong. Now, all I'm left with is a fear I've never felt before. I'm scared of myself, of what I'm to do next, of fucking up on an even higher scale.

Although the last time I fucked up majorly affected F directly, he stuck by me unconditionally. He left no space whatsoever for doubts, even in my darkest hours I can't deny anymore that I can always count on him. And still, on various occasions now, the impression that I'm a burden and not an asset to his life settled in. I feel like I'm wearing him down and am (no longer) contributing to his happiness. I didn't tell him about it yet because I seem to have skipped the part where this was still just an idea and have gone straight to acknowledging it as the truth. I've even been toying with the idea of just not being in touch so that I can't burden him with my problems anymore, so that he's free of me... and at the same time I have no intention of hurting him and still want him to know that he can always reach out to me whenever he wants to and whenever he needs me. I now put all my trust in him, knowing that he will continue to stick with me, waiting for this to end, reminding me that being just ok is not good enough, being the best friend I could possibly ask for... He's such an incredible idiot for doing so though!

Forget my name

I struggle, fight, fall, rise again and keep going..
but for what reason when I destroy everything good that ever comes near me?
the safest way to ensure somebody else's happiness for me is to stay away

I only wear you down.. you burn in my chaos... so just let me be

"if you see me, please just walk on by
forget my name and I'll forget it too"

"Suffering from something we're not sure of in a world there is no cure for"

As my former expectations are finally colliding with this weird concept called reality, I must admit that I'm still struggling to adjust to this new chapter of my life. I never wanted a job to become my life but rather a job that enables me to live the life I want - filled with friends, exciting journeys, new experiences and adventures. Yet I find myself in a job that - despite being quite fun most of the time - turns me into a person who hates Mondays and counts the days until the weekend only to totally waste that time too. I just cannot believe that already five months have gone by since I've moved to Hamburg. Any attempt to meet new people and engage in some activity aside from work were doomed to fail due to an almost constant lack of time. Plus my colleagues think of me as some weird creature from outer space and I almost expect them to actually check whether my skin is green and just covered with camouflage xD

For quite a few weeks, my private life - as limited as it already is - has been consumed by a single friend who was going through some rough times. Despite the fact that there's nothing more important to me than my close friends and thus their well-being, he quickly became way too attached, calling a couple times a day at any time of the day, demanding my attention whenever it suited him without realising that he was literally draining me. Once again I had to learn the hard way that there are very very few people in my life I can care for 24/7 without losing myself.

Me giving in to my parents begging me to come to visit doesn't really help to make me feel better either. To top it all off I was diagnosed with a currently untreatable level of an autoimmune disease that causes - among all kinds of fucked up stuff - mood swings. Yay^^

It was only at F's place some weeks ago that I found rest for the first time in weeks. After a movie night over at a friend's place I just watched him play LoL and fell asleep eventually. It just feels like home whenever I'm with him. Even though we have our rough times, it's still only him I feel fully at peace with. 

After being enabled to see a bit clearer again I started to turn things around again, tried not to work as much overtime, changed back to a healthier diet, didn't drink, exercised more and at least tried to get more sleep than usual. But in the end it was all a charade to cover up the loneliness that has taken over my heart during those past months. Eventually, I collapsed last Friday night when what was planed as a girls' night out ended with me drinking about three quarters of a bottle of scotch on my own and losing myself completely. I never blacked out before in my life.. and it seriously freaked me out. Let alone the gastric spasms and attacks of shivering that followed on the next day. 

It still freaks me out that this time, I didn't even care where my limit was but all I was in for was forgetting... forgetting about the fact that I had been on flu meds that don't go well with alcohol for days, forgetting all the shit that was going on, forgetting this disturbing feeling of absolute uselessness, forgetting my loneliness, forgetting the piteousness of my mere existence. I scared myself and I do not want to lose myself like this ever again. Change is what I need right now.. though I'm neither sure in what form nor where it's supposed to lead me. Right now, I even consider resuming a straight edge lifestyle... we'll see.

What bothers me most is that by losing myself like this, I didn't realise the true dimension of what my closest friend is currently going through... which is just about the most horrible thing for me to realise about myself. I feel like shit for having him taking care of me while I wasn't strong enough to be there for him the way he would have needed me.. :(

However, we'll get this all fixed just a we always do, I'm certain of it..
"let's take this one day at a time, I'll hold your hand if you hold mine" <3

How do you do it?

Being such a horrifying, annoying and repellent mess once again tonight, I can't even start to grasp how you could possibly stick with me. 

How do you do what seems so absolutely unbearable? 

Why would you do this to yourself? 

You would be so much better off without me!

If I only could, I'd probably run too.

At least tonight.

May the morning bring clarity, sanity.. anything.. something different from this.

As if it was your own

"When you're able to feel someone else's pain
as if it was your own & are willing to give your
happiness away, so you don't see a tear on their eyes...
That's the moment you know
what LOVE means."

-unknown author-

Because sometimes goodbye is the only way

Despite all I went through and most of all despite my trust issues, people still perceive me as outgoing, open minded and friendly which is partly true and partly the mask I wear to fit in. I get along with almost everybody on a rather superficial level and only have very few people who know who I truly am. It's not that I refrain myself from saying what I mean because I care oh so much about what people think of me but rather because I don't want to hurt anyone. Knowing that words can hurt more than any physical wound, I try not to speak my mind too freely with those around me because trust me, neither my black humour nor my sarcasm are anywhere near being socially acceptable.

My random amicability, however, hurts people too. In the long run, that is. And I can only imagine that it must hurt that much more finding out how I truly feel after time passed by and they took me for a granted part of their lives. Time and again, I find myself in a friendship with someone who's taking the best of me and/or whom I on the other hand am selfishly using... A while back I wrote about how I used to hang out with people I never saw a basis for true friendship with just to avoid being on my own. I also wrote how this - among many other things - has changed. What I didn't write about so far is the process this change has brought with it... With some it was easy to 'break up', with others it wasn't but in the end, goodbye is the only way when there's no common path forward.

Let me put it like this.. if I was a computer game, most people would pass the first few levels, some would be satisfied with this and keep coming back from time to time; others wouldn't be into the game design, dislike the control features or whatsoever and give up without even giving the first level a real chance. A few would invest time and get to a higher level and get to enjoy some extra features; and barely anyone would bring the right tools, skills, endurance and commitment to get to the last level which consists of a lifetime of other little challenges. This works for everyone but those who get to play the first few levels and already think they got to the last one...

I hate having to make someone see that while he/she thought of me as such a close friend, I was quite comfortable with staying superficial. But once I realise this, it's usually already too late. I'm trying hard not to hurt anyone anymore but I generally reach a point where I feel like I need to explain myself. I promised myself to be very careful in the future but there's only a small discrepancy between being careful and isolating myself... so I've got to be extra careful in that respect I guess^^ It's just that I'm incapable of letting just anyone that close, I'm not everybody's best friend and my mind is a place just about everyone would most certainly be afraid of anyway...

Longing for the shore...

Fuuuuu... really wished I had more time to spend on writing these days..

Today, nonetheless, this is about those bloody moments none of us is proud of, moments we struggle, fall and are quite unable to get back on our feet by ourselves. Actually, I've been doing great lately - work is exhausting at times but my boss appreciates just about everything I do and I learned whom to trust and whom to avoid in the office. I get to spend more time with my bestie than I had expected and had a wonderful 25th birthday. And still - I barely slept for the past week, I've been crying myself to sleep just about every night and only managed to pull myself together shortly before I had to leave for work anyway.

First I blamed my pms but oh well, this gets a little old a week after I'm supposed to be perfectly fine again I guess. And then all I was left with was confusion. Starting to see a little clearer now though, I have to admit that those past months have quite literally drained me. Almost everything has changed and I had to revoke the high expectations I had about this new chapter of my life - reality is a bitter medicine. I'm neither a robot, nor what you'd call a normal girl... Above all, I have to learn to cope with the fact that I'll never be the strong one 24/7 and I'll keep reminding myself that there's no shame in having F helping me to figure things out...

Frankly, I often still struggle to show my weaknesses - I even had to force myself to tell F about me being a mess. Although I'm perfectly aware that I always can be myself with him, I refuse to give in, let myself be overwhelmed by what I truly feel.. probably because I want to assure him that I'm there for him, that I'm strong enough to lean on. What can I say.. I'm a work in progress. And pretty aware of how weird I'm acting when it comes to this.. which leads me into a further vicious circle of blaming myself for being that silly, arguing with myself about whether to contact him or not, whether I'm doing the right thing burdening him with my mind going blaaaaah and on and on it goes.

None of this, however, really matters in the end because whenever I'm not myself he's the one capable of putting the pieces back together as he prevents me from lying to myself and reminds me of who I truly am. And he couldn't be further from allowing me to put any blame on me for bringing this on him.. It's with him that I see the stars clearly. Even hearing his voice today on the phone made me calm down, brought a little sanity back into me. I know now, I'll be ok again. It's just... he's the only constant left in a life otherwise pretty dumpy...
Or to say it with Tim McIlrath's words I'm "...longing for the shore where I can lay my head down inside these arms of yours".
I love you, F.