Of indescribable beauty

Hi hi :)

For almost a week now I've been trying to gather my thoughts just enough to put them into words and now, all of a sudden there's so much to think and write about... but let me start from the beginning (as the beginning is usually a pretty good point to start things off from^^).

Last weekend my bestie and I finally went on that long-expected short getaway to Munich and I've been trying real hard to find the appropiate words to describe it - and failed miserably every time. Then, my friend and I talked about it the other day and I realised that sometimes, there's no need to put something in words. It's just been such a long time that I experienced something so beautiful I couldn't possibly find the words to describe it that I almost forgot that there's such a thing... We both felt it was extraordinarily beautiful although we didn't do anything exactly out of the ordinary - we went to Bavaria by train, arrived late, slept, went to Ingolstadt the next morning (a small town where he used to live), then we went back to Munich, walked all the way to Bavaria's largest beer garden just to learn it closed about an hour before we got there and eventually ended up in a students' night club where we got wasted and danced until the early morning, fighted a little over getting up on time in the morning (he's such a diva when he's forced to get up xD) and went back home. Just being with him, spending time together, having fun, sharing our hearts - this is what puts me at peace like nothing else does. There are no words to describe what we both felt but it's a memory we both will carry with us for the rest of our lives.

Ingolstadt

And also such an urgently needed timeout... I'm not at my best at the moment. There's so much going on and everything's moving just a little too fast - my final exams for both the chamber of commerce and the university are coming up (about 25 all in all), I urgently need to find myself a new place somewhere near my future working place, yet another of my close friends got engaged and wants me to join her wedding ceremony in Canada and I feel like spending as much quality time with my dear friend as possible before he might leave the country to work in the UK or who knows where. I'm usually handling pressure pretty well but right now I feel almost as exhausted as I did right before my summer holidays had started... this last weekend was a blessing... and so was last night.

Inside of me there's still this little absolutely insecure girl I fail to suppress from time to time, especially when I get a visit from my oh-so-dear friend PMS -_- Generally speaking, I'd like to see myself as a rather rational person but there are times when I tend to compare although I know that it's not the way others are treated that make the way I'm treated more or less valuable. I then wonder why it's so damn complicated for him to tell me what I mean to him when it seems to be so much easier with others... thoughts I'm not proud of at all... but as I have mentioned before, I've learned not to always trust my own thoughts because there are so many irrational factors contributing to how we perceive things. 

Nonetheless, when he told me that he loved me for the first time (and about fifty times in a row) this morning and kept going on about how much I meant to him and how grateful he was to have me in his life, I couldn't help but to cry. Of course, he was hammered (to put it mildly) but I knew he meant it... It's such a silly thing that I actually needed to be told what I knew all along... because why would he stick with me through thick and thin otherwise? He's my angel, he's the one I was looking for all along...

"All because of you,
I believe in angels.
Not the kind with wings,
No, not the kind with halos,
The kind that bring you home,
When home becomes a strange place"

Rise Against - The Good Left Undone

until next time

xoxo

Who I am with you

Hey everyone,

While I kept my last entry comparatively short (at least I refrained from writing about all that I was thinking about) I now feel ready to talk about what I was holding back last time... As I've already mentioned, I've met someone special and I feel pretty great around him but there are also certain drawbacks and I spent a great deal of time brooding over whether to walk away or try harder. He literally had me at hello, we've already spent some memorable quality time together and I just can't stop thinking about him. But all I know is that if I decide to keep trying, it will require a lot of effort on my part and I just can't help wondering whether I'm strong enough. For once, I'd like someone who gives me the feeling that it's ok to be the weak one at times, someone who, in a way, is able to look after me but instead I've met yet another adorable nerd with bagage piled up as high as Mount Everest... He makes me smile as much as he makes me sigh. But is bagage, regardless of how heavy it might be, a real reason to not give it a shot or is it just an excuse to run from something that actually might have potential?

Needless to say that I was a little tiny bit confused xD It's those moments when I can't trust myself that I trust my closest friend's judgement. I don't have him actually deciding for me but when somebody knows you as well as he does know me, you're able to squeeze all those confusing thoughts into a rational structure and ask just the right questions. I still haven't decided how to proceed but for now, doubt might be enough reason to keep trying...

Apart from that I must say that I feel whole again as I was finally able to see my dear friend again. It was as if I was reconnected with a part of myself, as if the world was actually a pretty nice place to live on (what a weird thing to say!). I hadn't felt that free, that happy, that bubbly all summer long, and once again it was like first seeing the stars after a great storm... I came across something truly beautiful today and I believe it serves pretty well to emphasize what I'm trying to say: "I love you not only because of who you are but also because of who I am when I am with you."

<3

What a remarkable thought to leave you with :)

Until next time...

C

The actual worth of happiness

Hi there :)

for once in my life things are going pretty well - I survived the summer without any mayor breakdowns, just got myself a promising job starting only two weeks after I'll have finished my studies in autumn, my last day at work is finally within reach, booked a little getaway for my closest friend and me for next month, reunited with a friend I lost a while back and I've met someone that makes my head spin. You see, I have every damn reason to be happy. Yet, I'm not... at least not fully.

I seem to be incapable of being happy when those I love the most aren't. Of course, there's sort of a basic happiness I'm quite capable of achieving on my own (you should have seen me dancing around in public when I got the call saying I had the job :D) but knowing that my closest friend suffers from a vicious viral infection and that other people I feel close to are going through very difficult times, I just can't be happy for real. Call it empathy, call it dependency, call it whatever you want to - it's just the way I am.

So all I do for now is waiting for the day my best friend'll have recovered and I can finally see him again because right now it seems that happiness isn't worth much if I can't share it with him...

More updates coming soon

xoxo

Love to depend

Yet another sleepless night... so I might just as well write down what's been occupying my mind... My working week started with being confronted with someone who played my heart and, so to speak, consequently hurt me. The scars he left on me have long ago faded but still, I need to pull myself together to act along with his let's-just-pretend-nothing-bad-ever-happened-and-I-still-care-for-you-oh-so-much game (btw why the fuck do I feel like I have to?). 

Then today, another someone who has hurt me not that long ago had a colleague of mine buy him and his b*** of a girlfriend tickets cause he couldn't bear it to face me and get them himself. Well, thank you very much for once again showing me how much you actually hate me, feels great -_- For everyone giving me (or rather my blog that is) a puzzled look right now, let me put it in a nutshell: a former friend of mine had this highly moral hobby called cheating. As I was friends with her bf too, I reached a point where I neither could stand it nor wanted to be part of her web of lies any longer and so I decided to fill him in. I can only imagine what she told him but despite it all, he's still with her and decided to act as if I didn't exist any longer. It's just like my friend reminded me recently: back in ancient times, it used to be the messenger who was killed first. Guess we haven't developed that much after all.

Putting your trust in somebody is such a wonderful thing... an exhilarating feeling which in most cases will stab your back as soon as a convenient moment presents itself. And in my often immature way, I seem to refuse to learn from experience. I've been there, done that... and I certainly will continue to do so because I know firsthand that all the pain is eventually rewarded with those who deserve my trust, who even put trust in me when I don't. If I had stopped looking, if I really had given up myself, I would now not be able to call some of what I believe to be the most amazing people in the world my family. I unconsciously knew that I was missing something - someone - and so I kept searching. 

Many don't understand how I can be so very close to my dearest friends that I even consider them my family and I'm honestly sick and tired of explaining myself (as if there really was an explanation btw so stop asking already!). People call me dependent as if it was a swearword... and unfortunately, I gave those voices power over how I felt about it for way too long. However, this belongs to a steadily fading past. Yes, I do depend on certain people. Yes, I do miss them like hell when I can't see them frequently (and I mean frequently as in every fucking day^^). Yes, I am that person who gets all cheesy with them telling them over and over again how much I love them. And yes, I am that person who overuses hearts in chats. That's who I am and I couldn't be any further from changing anything about it. David Nicholls got it right when he wrote in Starter For Ten that " 'independence' is the luxury of all those people who are too confident, and busy, and popular, and attractive to be just plain old 'lonely' ". 

No matter how challenging a day you throw at me, no matter how many scars are being scratched - I know I'm not alone in any of this and for that, I just love to trust and depend on others.

3.30am… time to get some sleep I guess.

Until next time...

C

Learning to be on my own again...

Hi there,
It's been a while and I'm thrilled to finally have time to write again. Those past few weeks have been exhausting with about twenty exams to write and a whole lot of other daily struggles to face. Actually, I was supposed to stay with my parents in Sweden for a few days but being as drained as I was, I decided to take a few days off from everything in order to recharge my batteries. For the first time in what at least feels like ages I didn't do anything but sleeping, watching movies, going for walks, having comfort food and occasionally seeing friends. Although I still didn't make a full recovery I don't experience everything as heavy anymore.

To be perfectly honest, I have been afraid of the summer for quite a while now. Last summer was horrible, six weeks filled with self-doubt, even self-hatred at times, resulting in closing up and playing a role. I smiled my yeah-sure-I'm-fine-would-you-now-please-just-leave-me-alone smile and got away with it most of the time. So, even though I have achieved a lot since then, even though I'm definitely not the same girl anymore, I was afraid I would just hit the repeat button.

But I'm not. Still, I was about to fall back into old patterns when I went out with friends after finishing those damn exams. About half way through the evening I realised that this would mean saying goodbye to my closest friend for little more than two weeks and even though I know how good it will be for him to be home, how urgently he needs to recharge his own batteries, a part of me missed him already. On every day spent without him I miss something, I'm simply not complete. And it wasn't just about those two weeks but also about this autumn when we'll graduate and our ways a very likely to be separated job-wise. So, instead of just telling him what was on my mind I acted bitchy. I've always been that way - if something is about to happen that I know will hurt me, I just push everyone away and put on my Ms Untouchable mask. I used to go through with that till the end but not with him, I couldn't possibly do that to him, to us. The moment I realised what I was doing I felt so ashamed, so miserable. I apologised to him and fortunately, we were able to talk about it later on when he walked me to the central station. I'm nowhere near perfect, I'm a work in progress and just by being him he's making me pushing my boundaries and catching myself before I fall back entirely. He knows the ugliest parts of me and still he chooses to stay beside me every single time I fail to suppress any of them...

My short holiday is about to end, a working marathon about to start and so far I'm holding it up pretty well. Today, I drove out to a nearby lake and enjoyed how the wind messed up my hair while the fresh air cleared my mind. It's one of the few spots that enable me to just let go, straighten my thoughts and actually enjoy being on my own. Maybe this is even the most significant difference compared to last summer - I might have my bad days but generally speaking, I'm stronger than in a long time and I rather be on my own than with people who don't deserve me, make me play a role and fuck with my mind. I might piss people off but at least I'm myself and I'm not afraid of being on my own anymore. Plus there are 'only' 14 more days to go until I'm able to hug him again (not that I would count them^^).

Until next time...

It all starts with a little crack in the wall...

Hey there...

it's been a horrible day and I'm almost ashamed to admit that I feel like I'm about to crack... all the pressure, all the problems, all the fears I'm usually able to fight have found their way back into my consciousness tonight and make me feel miserable. Thank you very much, pms. But deep inside I do know being a woman with off the rockers hormones is not the only reason for my little breakdown...

I've visited a friend today I haven't seen in a while... he's always a 100% honest with me which can be a bit of both a blessing and a curse. Even if I begged him to, he would not stop making me face myself for a second. It's only been today that I was forced to realise how exhausted I truly am... and how little care I'm taking of myself at the moment.

I didn't decide on any consequences yet but I know I'll have to take some eventually.

xoxo

And they lived happily ever after...

Good morning :))

(no, it's not too late to wish you a good morning just after 2pm :D) You can blame my best friend's wedding for me getting up that late! Jupp, my best friend for what... almost 16 years got married yesterday and we partied accordingly. Being her bride's maid I couldn't help but wondering when the fuck we started to do such grown-up stuff! Seriously, she's the same age as I am and I can't even start to imagine to get married anytime soon. But besides reminding me how old I matter of factly got, her marriage demonstrates clearly that real love is possible.

The groom is the first bf she ever had. It was love at first sight and was meant to last forever from the very beginning. It makes me hope that somewhere out there is also this one person that is meant to be with me that way...

Although I tend to complain a little about how much he changed her, how she has turned more and more into an let's-stay-inside-and-watch-a-movie person and about what a hard time she gives me when I ask her for a girls' night out, I haven't seen her that happy and relaxed in a very long time and that's all that counts. When you love someone you can accept that he/she changes and still love that person.

Until next time

xoxo